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Dating With A PurposeBy Dr. Jack SchaapHTML Version
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Table of Contents Dedication
I dedicate my book on dating to my beloved college students who have taught me more than I could ever teach in return, who have challenged and inspired me to reach new heights with God, who have provoked me to holiness by their sincere love and zeal for God, who have made me feel like a hero while they take the five loaves and two fishes I gave them in a classroom and feed multitudes and serve with honor and distinction on the front lines of the battlefield. Without you, I have no ministry. Without you, I have no purpose.
My wife set aside an entire semester of teaching at college in order to help me produce this book. Would anyone be surprised by such a personal sacrifice and investment from the author of A Wife 's Purpose? She is an author herself, but much more; she is the incarnation of her own philosophies and teachings. Through her, I have obtained favor with the Lord. Thank you, Cindy. I love you!
Linda Stubblefield is a godsend to First Baptist Church and Hyles-Anderson College. For all of us who fantasize of being an author, our dreams would remain only air castles were it not for the tireless devotion and indispensable knowledge from this typesetter, advisor, proofreader, "get-it-to-the-publisher-without-error-and-on-time time" worker. Thank you, Linda.
To my preacher, Dr. Jack Hyles, whose principles all of us authors at First Baptist Church "borrow" and reword and put into print. Dare any of us here at First Baptist Church and Hyles-Anderson College think we would have words worth writing or an audience to read them without his wisdom or influence? Thank you, Preacher!
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God,
In prefacing my book, I would like to make a few important personal statements regarding the subject of dating.
I am not an advocate of teenage dating, and by that I refer to junior high and high school dating. The benefits are negligible, and the complications are many. Too much life is wasted on temporary romances that rob teenagers of quality time with their families, learning practical trades and skills, studying diligently, or being involved in Christian activities such as soul winning.
Many of us who work with teenagers would love to see Jesus Christ, a parent, or a bus kid receive the attention and affection given by teens to their junior high and high school sweethearts.
Then, too, I find Christian teens ignorant of basic human relationship principles. They appear untaught, untrained and undisciplined in the most important area of life — human interpersonal relationships.
To be sure, many who promote teenage dating do so with the premise that teenagers will only learn these important disciplines as they enter dating relationships. I question the wisdom of that logic. But then, I find in every relationship of life that we are often ill-equipped and poorly trained to fully nurture the relationship, whether it be marriage, parenting, or career employment.
Relationships suffer because we assume we know what to do, how to do it, and that everything will somehow work out in the end. One needs only to look at the divorce rate, child abuse, child neglect, teenage crime and career job happiness polls to quickly see that we are not succeeding in the relationships that matter most. And I have not even mentioned man's relationship to God.
It is my opinion that dating could be totally eliminated, and marriages would fare the same or better. I simply do not believe that teenage dating is a prerequisite for a happy marriage. To the contrary, I think premature dating or excessive dating can be detrimental to learning the basic disciplines that will build strong marriages and families.
Now after saying that, I must also state that I am not going to give my life to eliminating teenage dating. There are nobler causes at stake. I believe if parents, teenagers and young adults will give this book a thorough reading, I can help them build some foundation stones upon which they can build a strong marriage and a happy family.
In Bible days, the parents played a much more dominant role in the selecting of their child's mate than do the parents in western civilization today. This is even true of parents in the middle and far east cultures today. Take for example Abraham's detailed plan to get a wife for his son Isaac. Not only did Isaac not date, he did not even so much as see whom he was going to marry until after the lady had agreed to marry him (sight unseen) and had left her family to travel to and live where Isaac lived. A hired servant arranged the details, and Isaac agreed to marry the one the servant brought back because Isaac trusted his father. Keep in mind that this is the same Isaac who trusted his father when Abraham began to offer Isaac as a sacrifice on Mt. Moriah.
I'm afraid that kind of trust is rarely earned or given today by fathers and sons.
Teenagers, parents, and youth workers have tough questions. Many teens are getting unwise or conflicting answers from peers or unchristian sources. This leads to confusion and frustration which often leads to rebellion and heartache.
Many ask, "What, if anything, does the Bible have to say about dating?"
The practice of dating is not much found in the Bible. I suppose you could say that Jacob "dated" Rachel (even though he wound up marrying Leah), or you could possibly suggest that Boaz "dated" Ruth. (It is interesting to note that Boaz was 70 years older than Ruth. She was 40, he was 110.) Dating is more of a western culture practice.
Of course, Samson apparently dated Delilah and another woman whose name is not mentioned, but both of these women were unsaved and ungodly. Samson's relationships with them resulted in great heartache and tragedy for Samson and his family. Dating as we know it today in America is more of a modern idea practiced mostly in the western countries. And yet, I hope you will see in this book, the Bible has a tremendous amount of practical advice for modern dating teens. Most teenagers are pretty much left to themselves in their dating. A sad comment I often hear when counseling teenagers about their parents involvement in their dating is, "My parents just want me to be happy." That statement can be tragic and irresponsible. I believe happiness is a by-product of developing godly character and building strong relationships according to the Word of God.
I have two children whom I love dearly. I, too, want them to be happy. But more than I want them to be happy, I want my children to do the will of God. I have found that the happiest people are those who obey God's plans.
How I wish I could get every parent to be as actively concerned about the choice of a mate for their child as was Abraham for Isaac.
Several years ago, I counseled with a lovely teenage girl whom I had known since she was a little girl. Her father is a friend of mine, but he took a very casual involvement in her life's calling and in her dating. She related a vile and rebellious dating lifestyle that she chose because "she was just trying to be happy." It is my sincere desire to help both teenagers and parents with this book. I do not profess to be an expert, though I have had many thousands of counseling sessions with dating, engaged, and married couples.
No book can address all the particular situations a person may encounter. Please use this book as a practical guide. Where specific problems arise that warrant more personal help, please consult with your pastor or other spiritual advisors.
"To every thing there is a season,
In August of 1976 when I was eighteen years old, I attended a national conference on revival and soul winning in Atlanta, Georgia. While listening to a 50-year-old preacher named Jack Hyles, I learned that he had a daughter two years younger than I. Dr. Hyles mentioned how his 16-year-old daughter would snuggle up by him as they rode home from church on Wednesday night together. She would ask her daddy if he got any preacher boys on fire during his weekly travels.
Something stirred inside my 18-year-old soul, and I knew somehow that I was hearing about a girl I would love to meet and date. Something told me deep inside that one day I would meet her. The problem was she lived in Munster, Indiana; I lived in Holland, Michigan. And I was attending college in Owatonna, Minnesota. How would I ever meet her?!
During that conference in Atlanta, my parents met a man who shortly thereafter became the pastor of our home church in Michigan. His name is Jim Binney, and he is a graduate of HylesAnderson College in Crown Point, Indiana. Hyles-Anderson College is operated by Dr. Jack Hyles.
During the December Christmas break of 1976, my new pastor, Brother Binney, called me into his study and asked me why I was not attending Hyles-Anderson College. I replied that my previous pastor had counseled me to attend college in Minnesota. He answered, "I'm your pastor now, and I'm counseling you to transfer to Hyles-Anderson College."
I did transfer, and I found myself wondering in my heart if this could all be part of God's plan to help me meet that single, spiritual, snuggling girl I had heard about in August.
After my first church service at First Baptist Church in Hammond, I was waiting on my ride. Alone, I stood in the giant auditorium of the First Baptist Church and wondered how it could be filled week after week. A lady approached me and said, "I know who you are, and I know whom you should marry." I stepped back in a bit of a shock at her statement of knowing me and prophesying my marriage. I managed a weak recovery and asked who she might be. The lady responded, "I am your new pastor's mother-in-law, and I think you should date and marry Brother Hyles' youngest daughter Cindy.
Now I was thoroughly surprised. Had I somehow leaked my deepest thoughts and wonderment to someone? How could anyone possibly know that this was the very girl I had hoped to meet?
I thanked her and excused myself to catch my ride. Upon arriving back at my dormitory room, I climbed onto my top bunk and sat down to digest this unusual evening. My new roommate, Rick, approached me and said, "I've been thinking about you today, and I came up with a name of a girl I think you'd like to date."
"I hope she's the same one I'm supposed to marry," I said with a grin.
"I didn't know you were even dating anyone," he said.
"I'm not," I answered, "but a lady at church this evening told me whom I should marry."
Rick tried to get me to tell him who it was, but I was a little embarrassed and thought it a bit too presumptuous to tell him.
Finally, Rick said, "Well, for what it's worth to you, I honestly think you should date Cindy Hyles."
"You gotta be kidding," I shot back.
"Why?" Rick asked. "What's wrong with that idea?"
"Well, nothing," I choked out. "But, you see, that's the same person this lady tonight said I should date and marry."
"Well, now," Rick pompously stated, "you see how God is obviously working this out for you two."
And God was working it out. Two interesting incidents occurred after my arrival at Hyles-Anderson College and before my meeting Cindy. One month after I arrived, Mrs. Hyles was speaking at a banquet in my home church in Holland, Michigan. When she arrived home about 1:00 a.m., she woke Cindy and said, "I met the parents and family of a young college boy named Jack Schaap. Do you know him or have you heard about him?"
Cindy replied that some of her girlfriends had mentioned a new college guy by that name, but no, she had not met him. Mrs. Hyles continued, "I think you should meet him because he sounds like a young man in whom we would be interested for you."
This was the first time Cindy's parents had ever "promoted" a boy to her. Usually it was her trying to "sell" them on a guy she thought was "cute."
The second incident occurred a little later. My parents were down from Michigan visiting me. My mother and I were standing in the church lobby waiting for my father. Several young ladies walked by quickly, obviously in a hurry. I would guess there were about five or six.
My mother touched my arm, pointed to a young lady, and said, "Who is that young lady there?"
"That is Cindy Hyles, Brother Hyles' youngest daughter," I replied.
My mother then shocked me by saying, "God just told me that that is the girl I've been praying for you to marry all your life." I was stunned. I had never told my parents my deep thoughts since that August conference in Atlanta. But even as I write these words, I thrill to remember how God providentially worked in our lives to bring us together.
I was introduced to Cindy Hyles not long after, and we had our first date. She was seventeen; I was nineteen. Two years and two months later, she became Mrs. Jack Schaap. To be honest, I loved her from day one. I knew it was right in my spirit; my parents knew it was right; my pastor knew it was right; Cindy's parents knew it was right; and Cindy knew it was right. God was the One Who engineered it behind the scenes.
One month after we had started dating, Cindy's best friend said to her about me, "That man has always loved you, and he always will." What a perceptive friend — she was right.
Within that same month, Cindy's dad told her that I was different, and that she should be very wise and careful with our relationship because he suspected I might be the right one.
I live a very "know-so" life. I know that I am saved. I know that I was created for a purpose. I know that God wants me to be a preacher. I know that I am serving where I am supposed to be. I know I am living where I am supposed to live. I know I married God's perfect choice for my life.
How I wish every one of you reading these words could know these things in your life as surely as I do. And I am convinced God has a place for you to do what He wants you to do and a person for you to marry, just as surely as He had Cindy Hyles Schaap and me for each other.
My prayer is that the principles and practical advice of this book will help you to come to know the will of God in your dating and marriage.
Starting Right
Frequently I am asked by both teenagers and parents, "At what age should a teenager start dating?" I often answer that question with this:
A teenager is ready to begin dating
This commitment should be made to the parents and the pastor of the church and should be made clear to the person you intend to date. It's too late to guard your purity after you've lost it. You can't keep what you don't have. Being committed to purity means more than promising your parents and God that you will try to behave yourself on a date. It means following some simple but hard rules on every date. Good intentions are not enough. Obey the rules that are listed in this chapter.
Be sure that the people you date know where you stand before you get involved with them. When my wife was a teenager, a boy asked her to go on a double date. The other girl promised my wife that she would abide by my wife's standards. However, within just a few minutes after leaving their parents, the other couple began to hug and kiss. My wife's date thought he could do the same with her. Immediately, my wife shouted to the driver, "Take me home, now!"
I am thrilled to be married to a fabulous lady who many years before she began dating me was committed to guarding her innocence. Once you have made your commitment to purity, be prepared to have that commitment tested.
Principles for Beginning Dating
James was a freshman in college. He had met Tricia in the registration line on their very first day at college. Three days later, James came to my office to get a few pointers on dating. After I explained the basic principles that are listed below, James swallowed hard and said, "Brother Schaap, I've broken every rule you have mentioned so far." James and Tricia are not alone in getting off to a bad start in their dating. Unfortunately, a bad start does not appear bad until the relationship is well under way.
The biggest mistake I see in dating couples today is the lack of policy and principle and a premeditated plan. Dating tends to be haphazard, spontaneous, extemporaneous, and often tragic. Dating tends to be more like a bumper car event at a county fair rather than an organized racing event.
I think dating couples and young teenagers should decide what rules they will use to determine whom to date, how often they will date, where to go on a date, what to do on a date, how to behave on a date, how to decide if it is time to break up, how to break up, how to treat each other after breaking up, how to treat parents while dating, how to ask out a girl for a date, how to say "yes" to a boy when accepting a date, what policies to live by if a date becomes improper, what rules to live by if a boy or a girl misbehaves on a date, how to propose to a girl, how to decide if a man is the right one to marry, what rules determine when to marry, etc. All of those policies should be determined before a couple in their teenage years begins to do any kind of regular or serious dating.
The following are some basic principles to help guide dating couples through the beginning days of dating.
1. The man should ask out the lady before each date. The couple should never assume they will go out on a date with one another. Even if one of the dates is a regular date on the same evening each week, the man should ask the lady for the date at least a few days in advance.
2. Limit the number of dates to a maximum of three per a two-week period. In other words, during any 14-day time period, a couple should not be together more than three times. One of these three dates could last from two to four hours. Each of the other two dates should not be more than 45 to 60 minutes long.
3. Do not spend unscheduled time together. It is exciting, but often harmful when a couple decides to spend time with each other that is not part of the regular dating schedule. In later stages, there may be some room for creativity within the dating schedule, but in the early months, special care should be taken to avoid this.
4. Couples who date while attending the same school should not visit each other between classes. This is unplanned time, and too many problems arise that cannot be settled during this brief time. Perhaps one or the other failed a test or quiz. They may appear to be discouraged or down-hearted. This would not be good during these early stages of dating.
So often I walk down the hallways of schools and look at the couples "dating" between classes. More often than not, the couples are trying to squeeze more out of the occasion than time permits which often leads to frustration, fussing, and disappointment.
The wise dating couple understands that their schooling is very important, and mental preparation between classes is essential for proper learning in the classroom. Then, too, each day should be spent gathering interesting material to bring to the planned dating time later that day or week.
Couples who have unscheduled dates or couples who date between classes, quickly exhaust their interesting conversation material. Then, when they meet for their planned date, they often resort to conversing about matters that are too intimate, personal, or mature for their stage of dating; thus, rushing the dating cycle and stealing from their future dating enjoyment.
5. The man should plan an outline of activity for each date Often men are told to be the spiritual leaders in a relationship. What exactly does this mean? The word spiritual comes from the word spirit. "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city." (Proverbs 16:32) "He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. "(Proverbs 25:28) These verses command us to control our own spirits. Being spiritual simply means having command of our spirit, or planning a controlled environment. Spiritual leadership on behalf of the man means planning each date carefully to avoid boredom, improper conversation, or improper behavior. It also means planning a delightful and uplifting date. I will list several ideas for dating in another chapter.
6. The early stages of dating should be filled with action-type dates rather than conversation-type dates. There are some important reasons for this. If your dating relationship continues, you will want to relive sweet memories. Shared experiences bring closeness. If I want my wife to feel close to me, I simply start talking about the experiences we have shared through the years.
However, rarely have we reflected on the times we sat around and talked; although, we have discussed the time my pregnant wife slipped on a freshly waxed bowling lane and slid halfway down the lane with her bowling ball.
As I spoke to my wife about this chapter, she reminded me of the time I first introduced her to my uncle. We were standing by the door waiting for my uncle to answer. When he did, a giant drift of snow from his roof fell on my girlfriend's head knocking her down. There she was, buried immodestly in a pile of snow, her lovely hairdo ruined, tears streaming down her face from pain and embarrassment, and my uncle laughing at us hysterically. I thought it was funny then, and we both think it's funny now. And as we share these experiences, we sense a love and closeness to each other that further knits our hearts. Build a storehouse of memories from fun, spiritual, and crazy experiences you enjoy together. If the bulk of your early dating is purely conversational, you will have "precious little" to relive later. For the lazy couple who only want to get serious quickly, it is easy to spend hour upon hour, date after date talking. The problem is that quite soon after you start dating, you are both all talked out of the simple and harmless topics. At this point, most couples reach into their private lives and reveal too much of themselves; or they discuss marriage, engagement, child rearing, or intimate feelings in order to maintain that romantic momentum.
Then, after they have exhausted those subjects, they get fussy with one another, they critique each other's moods, love, and countenance. A moody "up-one-day, down-the-next" syndrome develops that drives a wedge between them. And sadly, many couples break up or get physically involved to escape the pressure.
Keep your early dates fun, light-hearted, action-oriented, and well-planned. This certainly does not mean you should not talk. By all means, converse with each other. I simply think it unwise to spend large amounts of time on a date doing nothing but talking. Talk while you are bowling or playing miniature golf or paddling a canoe or feeding the ducks at the local pond or ice skating. But keep your "let's-sit-down-and-talk" time to 10 or 15 minutes per date.
Then too, many first-time daters have a bit of difficulty talking comfortably early in their relationship. Going on church activities and group outings and action-type dates makes it easier for the "silent types" to enjoy themselves without feeling too pressured because they can't think of anything to say.
7. Remember that you cannot go backwards emotionally in a dating relationship. It is very easy to accelerate your relationship, but nearly impossible to slow it down. If one day a man tells his girlfriend that he loves her, she will never be satisfied with an "I like you" again. If a couple dates four or five times per week, it is devastating to drop back to two or three times per week. Therefore, don't move faster than you can comfortably sustain over a long period of time. If you're going too slow, you can always speed it up immediately. If you're going too fast, it will take a minor miracle to slow down the relationship. Seek the practical advice from your parents and pastor to help pace you relationship.
Couples who progress too quickly in their relationships usually find themselves facing one of three tragic pitfalls:
(1) They get physically involved in their dating behavior. (Se the chapter on Purity.)
(2) They run away together and elope or move the wedding day up much too soon, usually delaying or cancelling their preparation for God's plan for their lives.
(3) They break up because the emotional strain has caused them to become irritated and frustrated with one another and to say damaging and hurtful words that wound their spirit beyond healing.
There are many couples who should have married, couple who were God's will for each other, but they broke up because they simply failed to carefully pace their dating. Then, after they broke up, they quickly got serious with another person in what might be called a "rebound relationship" and never married God's perfect choice.
8. Remember that most people do not marry the first person they date. If a couple does break up, they will want to end the relationship with no regrets about their behavior. So many couple with whom I counseled have guilty feelings from their poor handling of previous dating relationships.
9. Date only one person at a time. Some good people may disagree with me on this point, and because of that, I have explained the matter more carefully in the chapter entitled "One at a Time Please."
10. Be an exceptional couple. No doubt there are "successful exceptions" to some of these pointers. I know of a happily married evangelist who married his wife eight weeks after they met. It is very unwise, however, to build your principles upon exceptions. It seems popular to want to be an exception to the rule, so that, in reality, the exceptional young couple is the couple who lives by the rules. I have given you "safe" advice in this chapter. These are time-tested principles that are good insurance for a solid and lasting relationship, assuming of course that you are dating the right kind of person.
Purity Is Not a Dirty Word
"Blessed are
the pure in heart: for they shall see God"
The Bible was half-thrown and half-dropped onto the table, barely missing my tray of food. I looked up into the demanding faces of three teenagers. Don was about 16 years old. He spoke up immediately, "You said in your sermon, Brother Schaap, that it is wrong to hold hands, kiss, and hug while dating, and you said that you could prove it from the Bible. There's my Bible! I don't know of any verse that says, 'Thou shalt not hold hands,' or 'Thou shalt not hug.' Let's see if you really can convince us it's in there." I smiled at Don and his two female companions. I always enjoy taking the Bible and making sense out of the confusing issues that face teenagers. Dating standards is one of the "hot" issues with nearly every teen.
Don and his friends sat across from me at the table along with several other teenagers whose ears had perked up at the mention of "dating," "kissing," and the "Bible" all being used in the same sentence.
Let me share with you in a brief outline what I explained to Don and his friends.
1. Dating standards must be established on the basis of what is pleasing to God rather than what is pleasurable to man. In Genesis 3:5, the serpent fooled Eve into thinking that she could become a goddess, determining what was right or wrong for herself, "... Ye shall be as gods, knowing (determining for yourself) good and evil. "A casual reading of the book of Judges reveals what happens when people do "that which was right in their own eyes. (Judges 21 :25b) They became spoiled, sinful, weak and enslaved by their own appetites, and therefore, they became easy targets for Satan to destroy them. Adam and Eve were destroyed when they chose to determine for themselves what standards by which they would live. In Ephesians 5:10, Paul challenges us to prove, "what is acceptable unto the Lord. " Let me ask you a question. Does your dating behavior prove what is acceptable to the Lord, or does it prove what is acceptable to you? Pleasure is certainly not bad unless it is pleasure at the expense of obedience. It is always wrong to do wrong, even if wrong feels good. A popular song in the 1970's had a line in it that went, "It can't be wrong if it feels so right." The pleasure of wrong can never hold a candle to the joy of doing right. If pleasure is your guide, choose the greatest thrill of all — the pleasure of purity and holiness.
2. Make your goal in dating "How can we stay pure?" not, "How far can we go?" First Timothy 5:22 commands us to, "Keep thyself pure. " The word keep means to guard. The word pure means clean, innocent, modest, perfect, sacred, or blameless. God wants you to guard your innocence so that absolutely no one can blame you or find anything immodest in your dating behavior.
3. Don't arouse desires in yourself or your date that you may not rightfully satisfy. In I Thessalonians 4:1-7, God warns us not to "defraud" one another. The word defraud means to cause someone to want to do something they should not do. God also says in the same passage that we must know how to keep our bodies (vessels) pure of fornication (illicit sexual behavior) and our minds pure of concupiscence (immoral sexual desires). (Please see Chapter 3 for practical standards to prevent defrauding.)
4. Be able to say to your children, "Do as we did. " I desperately wish there was a way I could make every dating couple feel the same passionate desire in their hearts that I have for my children to be pure. I thank God daily that I can truthfully say to my children, "Date just like your mother and I dated." You will want to be able to say the same one day.
5. Men, remember that your girlfriend is someone's daughter, sister, or future wife Treat her just as you would want a man to treat your daughter, sister, or wife. I would be furious if a man tried to defile my precious thirteen-year-old daughter, Jaclynn, or if a man tried to kiss my wife.
Well, that same protective attitude toward their purity should characterize your behavior toward your date. Your girlfriend's daddy or brother might be terribly upset if they knew what you wanted to do with their daughter and sister.
A few years ago I had to break up a major fight between three brothers and their sister's boyfriend. The brothers had driven several hundred miles to fight this guy because he had been getting physically involved with their sister. It was a very nasty situation, and the boyfriend almost lost his life.
6. Realize that anything you steal from the future to enjoy now will only rob you of greater satisfaction later. Physical love is a very wonderful gift that God has given to married couples; and in marriage, it is very satisfying and rewarding. God pity the couple who steals it before their wedding day to satisfy their undisciplined lust. That undisciplined indulgence will only create disrespect and insecurity in their marriage later.
When my wife and I got into our car on our wedding day to drive to the airport, I looked at her as we pulled away from the church and said, "Cindy, everything from here on out is all brand new for us." We were alone in a car. We could hold hands, hug, and kiss; and these were wonderful experiences that we could now share together. It was all fresh and exciting. And since we had kept ourselves pure while we were dating, it has been fresh and exciting to this day.
7. If your date gets physical with you, don't deceive yourself into thinking that they were not physical with someone before you and will not be physical again with someone after you. Just a few days ago, my wife and I were counseling a lovely young teenage girl. She had gotten physically involved with a young man who had told her she was "the only one." I cautioned the girl that there was a very good possibility that he was not being truthful and that there might very well be other girls in his past. She assured me there were none.
Recently this girl came to me crying, "You were right, Brother Schaap, I'm not the only girl he kissed and hugged. He lied to me, and I feel emotionally raped."
You see, he had broken God's command to stay pure, making it easier for him to break God's command to be honest.
I don't care what words of loyalty and devotion he feeds you; if he wants your hugs and kisses badly enough, he'll lie to get them.
Perhaps you girls have been told to pull off your shoe and hit your date with a sharp high heel if he becomes aggressive. This may work, but may I suggest that you begin your dating with the comment that you are very close to your father, and that you tell him everything that happens on a date. That was my wife's technique, and it worked well for her.
8. Remember that wedding vows don't change a person's morals. If your date cheated on his parents, his pastor, and his Saviour before your wedding day, you have absolutely no guarantee that he will not cheat on you after your wedding day.
Too many blinded individuals think that their loose and undisciplined boyfriend is going to make a transformation because he puts on a tuxedo, stands on a church platform, and repeats pretty words. That's just plain dumb thinking. The same is true of a girlfriend making a transformation when she puts on a lovely white gown, carries some lovely flowers and stands at a church altar.
9. Set a goal in your life to walk to your wedding altar pure and chaste and virgin — set apart for just one person. A Christian teenage girl attending a large public high school was asked every Monday by her girlfriends if she had "scored" with her date on Friday, meaning did she behave impurely. One Monday, when her friends quizzed her, she responded, "Any time I want to, I can become like you; but, you can never again become like me."
10. Make a holy vow to God that you will stay pure in your dating. Write your vow in your Bible. Type it on a card, and place the card on the bathroom mirror or on the door of your room so that you will be constantly reminded of your promise to God to stay pure.
Recently it made headlines when twelve Chicago teenage girls took a vow of chastity to stay pure until their wedding day. Even the world respects someone with the character they wish they had themselves.
11. Beg God every day and especially before each date to help you to stay pure.
12. Date only those people who are approved by both your parents and your pastor or spiritual advisors.
13. Realize that moral purity is a marvelous way to honor your parents, please your pastor, and love your God. Did it ever occur to you that it is hard to love a "Spirit"?
You can buy flowers and candy for your date, but how do you show God that you really love Him? Fortunately, God tells us many things He likes, and one of His favorite gifts is when dating couples keep themselves pure.
Then too, what a wonderful way to say to your parents and pastor, "We love you, and we want to show our love and gratitude to those who love us most and have invested in our lives. Therefore, we are going to date in such a fashion that would please you and honor your desires for our lives."
The Bottom Line
After I finished speaking to Don and his friends, I left the table and slowly made my way toward the chapel where I was to preach again. I heard footsteps running behind me, and when I turned, I saw Don coming toward me.
"Brother Schaap, much of what you said makes a lot of sense, but I'm still going to hold hands and probably kiss my girlfriend," he said.
"Why is that so, Don?" I asked. "Because it feels good, and I just like doing it, I guess," he replied. I walked side by side with Don for several moments before I spoke. Finally, I said, "Don, I need your advice on something. My wife and I have not been getting along well lately." Don's eyes widened with curiosity.
"You see, Don, my wife insists that I take out the garbage every week, and she simply does not understand how much I despise taking out the garbage. It stinks, it is messy, and besides, I just don't want to do it. So now we're fussing about who should take out the garbage. Do you have any suggestions to help me?"
Quickly, Don came back, "Brother Schaap, I have to take out the garbage in our house too, so I know how much you hate it, but it really isn't that bad, is it?"
"Don! I hate taking out the garbage," I shouted. "I just don't think my wife ought to insist that I do it if I don't want to do it. I don't want to and that should settle it, right?"
"But, Brother Schaap, that's not the point," he shot back, "If you really love her. .. ." Don's voice trailed off. The impact of what he had tried to tell me struck him deeply in his emotions.
"Go on, Don," I urged. "You were saying, 'If I love her... what?' Finish it for me."
"That's my problem, isn't it, Brother Schaap. I guess I just don't love Jesus enough," said Don. "Brother Schaap, the issue is not what I want to do. The issue is, 'Do I love Jesus enough to simply do what He wants me to do?'"
My friend, that is your problem too. For if you love Him, you will obey His commands; and to those who love Him, His commands are not too much to follow. "By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and keep His commandments... and his commandments are not grievous. ~ (I John 5:2, 3b)
Defraud Not One Another
"For God hath
not called us unto uncleanness,
It is not uncommon for me to counsel dating couples who get into serious moral trouble "by accident." Often, these are really fine Christian young people with good standards and wonderful testimonies. They were not seeking to do wrong, nor were they the kinds of couples who were in need of constant supervision. Often these are couples who were trusted, respected, and usually very responsible.
What happened then? Why do good young people do bad? The answer is, they defraud each other. They allow themselves to get into situations where the strongest of Christians and the noblest of Christians is not strong enough to turn away.
Let me share some very practical rules to follow to prevent "defrauding."
1. Have a curfew. As the evening gets later, the morals become looser. What some couples would never think of at 7:30 p.m., they will do at midnight. Set a curfew and then be in 10 to 15 minutes before curfew. I would suggest a curfew no later than 10:30 p.m. for high school teens and 11:00 p.m. for college age.
2. Don't touch. I mean don't kiss, hug, hold hands, etc. There never has been a couple who held hands and was content to stop with that. I am a firm believer in staying several steps away from danger. Let me logic with you for a moment. The Bible is very clear about not committing adultery1 or fornication.2 Modern teens refer to it crudely as "going all the way." Some of the Bible verses which prove God wants us to guard our purity are: Exodus 20:14 which says, "Thou shalt not commit adultery. " First Corinthians 6:18 instructs us to "Flee fornication." In Hebrews 13:4, the Bible says, "Whoremongers and adulterers 1I am aware that the terms adultery and fornication are not synonymous, though I am using them together to refer to impure behavior in a general way.
2Technically, I define adultery as the introduction of third party into the marriage relationship. I define fornication as any sexual sin including pornography, impure thoughts, impure actions with another one or one's self, homosexuality, etc. God will judge. "First Thessalonians 4:3 tells us, "For this is the will of God.., that ye should abstain from fornication."
However, before a couple commits an immoral sexual act, they are engaged in heavy kissing and touching (commonly referred to as necking and petting). It is interesting to note that in I Corinthians 7:1, God wrote, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." That word touch means a touch that lights afire. The fire here refers to the fire of sexual desire. The Bible teaches that only married couples are allowed to stir up a sexual desire, and that fire is started by "touching." Paul then continues by saying that marriage is the only place where that kind of touching is allowed.
Before the necking and petting stage, there is some hugging and kissing. And before the hugging and kissing stage, the couple is holding hands, stroking an arm or face, etc.
Now, let me ask you a question. "If you want to be absolutely certain that you do not commit fornication, where is the wisest place to stop getting physical?" If you're honest, you would agree that the best place to stop is to not get physical in the first place.
Wrong Exit
Interstate 94 is a major highway near where I live, connecting Chicago, Illinois, with Detroit, Michigan. Suppose you see me get off at the exit marked "Detroit, Michigan." You would rightly assume that I probably was headed in the direction of Detroit, even though I might not go all the way to Detroit.
If you stopped me, asked me my destination, and I said, "Chicago," you would be confused. You would probably tell me I was headed in the wrong direction to go to Chicago. And you would be right.
Let me ask you a question. How far toward Detroit must I go to
give you the impression that I am not heading to Chicago? Not very far. My simple act of turning off on the exit marked "Detroit" tells you that I am not intending to go to Chicago.
And when you get on the exit that leads to impurity, you are not sending a clear signal that you want to wind up in the city of Purity!
Then, too, you never know how far you can go and still stop. Passion is like an avalanche — once it starts, there is no stopping it. It is like dynamite — it takes only a little match to start a devastating explosion.
Suppose for a moment that you and your date decide that you will stop right before you commit fornication. Let's also suppose that just one time you slip one step and cross over your line. You have now committed a horrible sin of immorality.
Now suppose another couple sets their line at holding hands. They, too, have a weak moment and cross over their line. Their sin? Holding hands. Which guilt would you rather take to the marriage altar?
3. Don't feed your mind with a lifestyle that contradicts your dating standards. You won't keep your commitment to purity if you feed on the sexual indecency of television, rock music, romance novels, or trashy magazines.
4. Don't begin reading books that address the physical aspect of marriage more than three months before your wedding date.
5. Don't be alone with your date in a car or in a house.
6. Don't date when you are tired and weary. Your morals break down as your physical energy wears down.
7. Let your limits be known to your date, not harshly and unkindly, but firmly and sincerely. If your date's limits differ from yours, you should both decide to abide by the stricter of the two or you should decide not to date. And your parents should be told if there is a difference in your standards so that they might be able to work out a solution. "Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand" (Philippians 4:5)
8. If one partner becomes physically aggressive, the other partner must take a stand by reminding them of their prior commitment to purity. If the aggressor does not change immediately, ask to be taken home or leave immediately. There will be times when one or the other of you is weaker. This does not necessarily mean that the person is bad. It does mean that the stronger one must leave immediately as did Joseph in the Old Testament. After the weaker , one has calmed down and had time to think through the matter, there should be an apology and a recommitment of extra caution to pure standards. I would much rather that my daughter slap a man's face if he tries to touch her and work out their hurt feelings later than to have them guilt-ridden because they defiled themselves.
9. Use a chaperon system when dating. This does not mean that a dating couple must have a little sister or brother or anyone else "breathing down their neck" constantly. Certainly there can and should be times when the couple is allowed to be alone in public. Riding bicycles, taking public transportation, walking down neighborhood streets, eating in a restaurant, walking through a shopping mall, and such like are all proper ways for a couple to be "alone."
There should be many group dates; however, especially during the early stages of dating. Also, there could be double-dating as long as the second couple has the same commitment to purity.
Basically, using a chaperon system means you are going to be accountable to someone other than yourselves. There is no accountability when in a car alone. There is no accountability when in a house alone.
Also, let me say this. Simply having someone somewhere in the same house is not being accountable. The dating couple should not be isolated in a distant part of the house far removed from others. 10. Never trust yourself. I suppose this point sort of summarizes all of the previous points. We are all made of flesh. We all have certain "weaker" moments. We all need all of the help we can get to walk to our wedding day pure. Don't be so proud that you don't think you are capable of committing the worst of sins.
11. Plan your dates. Unplanned dates are one of the biggest causes for physical defrauding. It's easy for couples with weak self-discipline and little creativity to get physical. Pure couples must work hard to plan each date and be creative to prevent the boredom that often leads to defrauding.
12. Dress modestly and appropriately. How you dress determines how you act. Sloppy dress = careless actions; immodest dress impure actions; proper dress = proper actions.
Principles of Dress
Before I deal with the subject of dress, please allow me to teach a couple of basic differences about men and women. Men are primarily stimulated by sight. That explains the popularity of "sexy" magazines with many males. (Notice that I did not say "men." No "real man" allows himself to look at that kind of sleazy material.) It bothers me to think that colored ink on paper can stir a gland in our bodies. Women, on the other hand, are primarily stimulated by touch, sound, and atmosphere. Words of affection, a well-planned date, good manners, and physical touch are what stimulates a woman.
In one of her lectures on marriage, my wife compares a man to a microwave oven and a woman to a crockpot. Men can be almost instantly stirred by a picture or a thought or a suggestive look whereas a woman responds more slowly by creative and imaginative means of communication, soft music, and a proper atmosphere.
This is why it is vital that ladies dress in a modest fashion. What may be trendy and fashionable may also be quite stimulating to a man. This is also why it is vital that a man keep his hands off his girlfriend, keep the conversation clean and proper, and keep dates well-planned and chaperoned.
Let me give you some Bible principles for proper female dress based on I Timothy 2:9-10, which says, "In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works."
Adorn The word adorn comes from the Greek word cosmos which describes the well-designed plan of the universe. It refers to dressing according to a divine plan and a well-thought out plan. It means that a woman should give careful thought to organizing her wardrobe and clothing to match God's purpose for her as a lady.
Modesty The word modesty means balanced or harmony. Simply put, a lady should dress so that no one part of her body or her clothing draws attention to itself. Wild hair styles, excessive make-up or jewelry, tight sweaters or skirts, unbuttoned blouses, a dress or skirt that is too long or too short, shocking designs or colors all speak of an immodest dress style.
Anything that is distracting is Biblically immodest. We tend to think that only high hemlines or plunging necklines are immodest; however, clothing that is dirty, unpressed, out-of-style, or ill-fitting is also immodest, as is dirty or uncombed hair, poorly applied makeup, or not wearing hose and dress shoes with a dress. Even the absence of make-up can be immodest if it distracts from the overall look of balance and harmony.
Apparel This word literally means a let-down, flowing garment. What a great definition of a proper skirt or a dress. This definition eliminates shorts, trousers, tights, mini-skirts, or tight-fitting garments for women.
Shamefacedness The word shamefacedness is a beautiful one that describes the feeling a little child has in the presence of an adult. Literally, shamefacedness means quick to blush. When you look in the mirror before you leave your room, young lady, ask yourself, "Do I dress to entice the eyes of men?" or "Do I blush to think that evil eyes would feed their wicked minds on my form and figure?" Oh for a generation of pure young ladies who could blush again at the very idea that the way they dress might hint of impurity!
Sobriety This word means self-control. The world flaunts its fashions, and peer pressure insists that you dress according to the "styles" of the day, but sobriety says you must exercise self-control and do what is right. Sobriety says, "I must dress to show my character, not my body. I must show 'Jesus in me,' that 'hidden man of the heart,' not a sexy, sultry, 'tough' image of a 'modern teen.' "Sobriety says, "I will dress to say, 'I love Jesus, not the world.'
God does not want you to dress in a stuffy, out-of-date style. Nor does He want you to look dowdy, uncomfortable, or "strange." I am convinced that Christian young ladies should look as "sharp" and "classy" as they can afford to do so.
In light of what has been said in the previous chapter on "defrauding," allow me to ask you this question. Do you honestly believe a young lady can put on a swimsuit and go swimming with her boyfriend without causing him to think and feel unholy thoughts and feelings? My preacher puts it well when he says, "A young man who can see a pretty girl in a bikini or a pair of shorts without feeling something inside is either sick or not normal."
I don't believe for a second that a man must lust every time he sees an immodestly dressed woman; but, neither do I believe a woman has the right to tempt a man, especially her boyfriend.
It boggles my mind how we justify our sin. If a woman were to walk through her neighborhood wearing only her undergarments, she could (and should) be arrested for indecent exposure. However, if she paints those undergarments with bright, flashy colors, puts sand under her feet, and stands by a hole in the ground filled with water, she is totally justified in her immodesty. Please explain to me what makes that "right"? Does the presence of sand, the location of water, the degree of temperature or the geographical location make it acceptable? No! Right and wrong are consistent the world over by all people who choose to follow the principles of God's Word.
When the Bible says, "not with broided (braided) hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But.., with good works, "I believe Paul is contrasting the emphasis a lady ought to have in her dress. The same type of wording is found in I Peter 3:3, which states, "Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. " Now notice, if it is wrong to wear gold or plait your hair, then it would also be wrong to wear apparel. Certainly, that is not what Paul or Peter (or the Holy Spirit) is saying.
Simply put, God wants you to dress to be able to serve Him and not need to worry about how everyone thinks you look. If you are more concerned about how you look in the sight of others than you are about how you can help someone who needs Jesus Christ, you are then dressing unscripturally. Too many girls would never put a little bus kids on their laps — they would soil their clothing or mess up their hairdo.
What About Deuteronomy 22:5? "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God"
This is one of the most despised and debated verses by women who do not want to forfeit their "right" trousers. Let's look at it with an open heart and mind. What does this verse say?
1. There is some kind of apparel that "pertaineth unto a man,"
2. A woman is not allowed to wear It. I know, this is Old Testament and written to Jews, and it doesn't say what that apparel is that pertains to a man. You are absolutely correct. But, please follow me all the way to the end of this chapter.
I said first, there is some kind of apparel that "pertaineth unto a man.
I said secondly, a woman is not allowed to wear it.
3. There is something called "a woman's garment" "It doesn't say what that is, but there is a definite implication that men have a unique garment and women have a unique garment.
4. Men are not allowed to put on that woman's garment.
5. Any man or woman who does so are an abomination to God. Now what does that mean? An abomination unto God is anything that God hates, despises, abhors, greatly dislikes, or punishes.
May I list for you some of the abominations of God? Homosexuality, incest, witchcraft, and women who wear a man's garment, or men who wear a woman's garment are just a few. That which God despised in the Old Testament, He still despises today. If you say Deuteronomy 22:5 is not for today, then all these other abominations found in the Old Testament are acceptable for today.
God has never changed what He hates. "For I am the LORD, I change not." (Malachi 3 :6a) Our only question that needs an answer is what exactly is "that which pertaineth to a man" and "a woman's garment." I'll let you answer that the next time you use any public restroom. Even the world knows the universal symbol for men and women — a stick figure with trousers for men and a stick figure with a dress for women. Everybody, except stubborn Christians, knows what these garments in Deuteronomy 22:5 are. "For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. (1 Samuel 15:23a)
Your Dream List
Robert was frustrated. He had been looking for the girl of his dreams for several years without success. He finally sought counsel. When I asked Robert what he was looking for in a girl, he pulled out a well-worn 8 1/2" x 11" piece of paper he referred to as his "dream list." There were over twenty-five items on his list of necessary qualifications for a wife, including such items as "play the piano,"" sing solos," "make her own clothes," "not more than 120 lbs.," "confident," and "meek and quiet." I looked at Robert and then back at his list. "Robert," I said, "You left an important item off this list."
"What's that?" he asked.
"You forgot to put down here that your dream girl better not have a 'dream list' of her own. If she does, you're in trouble."
In Matthew 1:19, we read, "Then Joseph... being a just man ... was minded to put her away privily "Joseph obviously expected his mate to have some standards, and when those standards were violated, Joseph faced some very tough choices. On the other hand, Samson said to his parents, "I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife ... for she pleaseth me well. " (Judges 14:2b, 3b) The only item on Samson's dream list was selfish pleasure.
Too often, dating couples are guilty of one of two extremes in selecting a mate. Either they have established no standards for a mate and many someone who has poor moral or spiritual values, or they have an enormous list of ridiculous requirements such as Robert's that would have disqualified Adam from marrying Eve, Abraham from courting Sarah, or Joseph from taking Mary to be his wife.
Some of the "wife requirement sheets" I have seen from the preacher boys in our college look more like job application forms for an assistant pastor or church secretary. Someone said that the only requirement for a wife is her "kissin' ability." Most men reading this will appreciate that — just be sure you single men wait until your wedding day to test that ability.
I have also seen lists that included piano playing, typing and shorthand skills, as well as athletic talent in several sports. Most of those items are "cream." They might be nice as an added bonus, but they are not totally necessary when compared to the qualities of virtue and character that are vital for a marriage to endure and prosper.
Let me offer a helpful and practical "dream list."
1. As a general rule, the person you date should not be more than twenty-five percent older or younger than you. For instance, a fifteen-year-old should not date someone older than eighteen; an eighteen-year-old should not date someone older than twenty-two, and so forth. The younger you are, the less age difference there should be. Again, I realize there are happily married couples who have a greater age difference between them, but that is not the wise choice.
2. The person you date must meet your parent's approval.
Before you ask out that pretty gal, or before you say "yes" to his invitation, seek your parent's advice. If you do not have parents who care to involve themselves with your life, seek your pastor's advice.
If you wait to seek your parent's or pastor's approval until after you have dated that person a while, you may very well feel too emotionally involved to stop the relationship if your parents or pastor do not approve.
It may be difficult to check with your parents if you are away from home or at college. Here are some ideas you can follow.
(1) Arrange to have your parents visit the campus and meet the person.
(2) If you are a lady, suggest to the young man that he write or call your parents before you date.
(3) Seek the advice of a godly college leader. Ask them to give you a reference on the person whom you want to date.
(4) Ask the pastor of the church where you are attending to investigate the person and give you his counsel.
Susan came to my office at my request. Her pastor back home had called my office quite concerned about the young man she was dating. Susan and Dan were both freshmen and had met just three months earlier. They were planning to be married in six months.
I asked Susan what she knew of Dan. For several minutes, she extolled his virtues and strengths. I said, "Susan, who told you about all these wonderful traits of Dan?"
"Well," she said, "Dan told me."
"Have you investigated his character or background before making your decision to many him?" I asked.
"I don't need to!" she snapped back at me. "We're in love, and that's all that matters."
What disturbed me was her refusal to face some tough facts. Dan had been expelled from college that semester, but he had told Susan he dropped out because of financial reasons. Well, Dan was partly right. He was lazy and couldn't hold a job. He wanted to move away from the college and take Susan with him. He had painted a very romantic picture of the two of them finding a good job while going to another school part-time, all the while "living on love." I asked Susan if she had sought her parent's approval of Dan. She had not. In fact, her parents had never met Dan nor even spoken to him on the phone.
I asked her if she had sought her pastor's advice. She said she had and that her pastor was very much for the relationship. Well, now I smelled a skunk. It was tragic enough that her parents had so little input, but I knew personally what her pastor's feelings were. He was definitely not "very much for the relationship."
When I confronted Susan with this fact, she confessed that she was afraid that either her parents or pastor would forbid her to date Dan. I assured her that Dan was not a bad boy, but he needed a couple of years of disciplined training to mature into a capable husband to provide for her and a family. She agreed and wisely asked me to investigate more fully Dan's character and background.
Never, never, never date anyone without the approval of your parents, your pastor, or a godly Christian whom your parents and pastor trust.
3. The person whom you date should promote the relationship you have with your parents. Anyone who tries to drive a wedge between you and your family, or complains about the time you spend with your family is a childish, insecure, selfish, demanding person who is not yet mature enough to date you.
4. I recommend you date someone you could enjoy seeing everyday for the rest of your life. There should be a "chemistry" in a relationship that is heading toward marriage.
I'm not simply talking about a handsome face or pretty teeth or a fair complexion or a lovely figure. I will say, however, that beauty is usually in the eyes of the beholder. I have known scores of couples who were neither physically attractive nor dynamic of personality, yet they had a chemistry between them that made them beautiful in one another's eyes. Young men, keep in mind that 90 percent of the physical beauty that captivates your eyes is probably due to her being able to afford more expensive makeup, hair styling, or clothing. Put the same expensive dress and shoes on some of the so-called "plain Janes" who have good character and a sweet spirit, and your eyes might be dazzled with their beauty.
The same goes for you young ladies, too. A man who knows how to work hard, stay faithful to his marriage vows, and be a hero to your children is much better than "chiseled" features, rippling biceps, and "designer jeans."
Tim had been dating a young lady for several months and was being pressured by others to move the relationship along toward marriage. He wasn't sure he should do that though, so he sought my counsel.
"Is she someone you would enjoy going home to after a long day at work?" I asked.
Immediately Tim responded, "No way! She's simply a pleasant girl with a nice personality, but I would not be anxious to see her every day of my life." I advised Tim to break off the relationship before this young lady had her nice personality injured.
You will want to date someone who "catches your eye" and continues to capture it through the years. No doubt there will be many days when your spouse does not excite you, and your relationship may be stressed, but over the long haul, you better have that intimate bond that draws you to each other.
5. Date someone who takes pride in their name and has an honorable reputation. Proverbs 22:1 says, "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches." My parents are honorable people; my pastor is an honorable man; my sister is an honorable lady; my Sunday school teachers are honorable people; my church is an honorable church; my friends are honorable friends; my God is an honorable God; and my Saviour is an honorable Saviour.
I must not bring dishonor or shame to those who love me and have invested in me. I would want the person I date to feel the same toward their family, friends, pastor, church, God, and Saviour.
What people think about me is important. I would not want to date someone who had a flippant "what-do-I-care-what-others-say-about-me" kind of an attitude.
6. Date someone who has kept themselves pure of mind and body. When I was a boy, my Sunday school teacher brought a dozen white roses to our class. Eleven of the roses were bright and fresh; one was wilted and brown. My teacher asked each of us to pick out a rose for ourselves. One by one, we chose "our" rose. After all of us had selected a rose, only one rose remained. To be sure, it was the brown, wilted rose.
My teacher then asked us why no one chose the brown, wilted rose. It seemed quite obvious to all of us. Who wants a dirty, used rose? He went on to explain how we will one day select a mate for our lives. We must keep ourselves pure for that "one" that God has for us, and we should choose someone who has kept themselves pure for us. No one wants "used" or "wilted" merchandise; likewise, no one wants an impure mate for their life.
• If you have made some mistakes in this area, confess your sin to God; ask Him to cleanse you and make you white and pure. Isaiah 1:18 invites us, "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."
During one recent winter day, we received 8" of pure white snow. It sparkled like diamonds in the sunshine. If your past contains impure thoughts and actions, come to Jesus and tell Him your sins, asking Him to make you white as snow. He will! And then live pure and clean from this moment forward.3 3If you have a bad past, you certainly have the right to redeem yourself and regain your reputation; however, it is also wise to understand that parents who have safeguarded their children are going to be skeptical about your change until you have a few years of a good record to support your change. You have the right and opportunity to change. Others have the right to be cautious and slow to give their permission to date their pure daughter or son. 7. Date someone who has the character and self-discipline you admire and desire for yourself Is that person punctual? Does he turn in his assignments on time? Are his shoes shined? Is her dress neatly pressed? Is his hair cut properly and combed? Is she respectful of her elders and peers? How does he treat children? Is his language decent and honorable? Does she ever volunteer to do extra work or service for someone else? Is she polite? Does he speak highly of his mother? Does she speak highly of her father? Does he speak highly of his pastor? Does he respect his sister? Does she respect her brother? Is his locker clean? Does she perform her chores at home? Does she have a sweet disposition? Does he walk like a man?
8. Date someone who helps you uphold your convictions. If you're dating a person who tries to make you lower your standards for any reason whatsoever, drop that person like a rattlesnake! Yes, that takes unusual courage, but you will thank me ten thousand times over if you will trust me on this point.
9. Date someone you would want your children to copy. My wife is the model I promote to my daughter. I want Jaclynn to grow up to be just exactly like her mother.
Children are hero worshippers, and during the highly formative early years of life, Mom and Dad are the primary role models. Right now, I am my son's hero. He calls me his buddy and his hero. Recently he said, "Dad, you are the king of my life." Wow! Did my wife ever think her son would be calling her boyfriend the "king of his life" when we were dating?
Be sure the person you date is worthy to be called "king" by your children.
10. Date someone who won't insist that you forfeit your teenage and college-age years in order to prove your love. I'm certainly not against your falling in love. In fact, I highly recommend marriage. My prayer for you is that you will be as happily married as are my wife and I.
However, don't rush into marriage simply because you think you have found the right one. Marriage is fantastic, but it won't be mature unless you both come to each other with the fullness that patient waiting can give you. Marriage is not the whole of life. Your training for the work God has for you, your final years with your parents, your high school friends, your early years of college — all of these are also important.
Brad and Heather are one of the most lovely couples I know. They were sweethearts from late junior high all the way through college. It was obvious they loved each other. It was also obvious they intended to table their wedding plans until after college, which they did. Do they have any regrets that they had to wait so long? "Absolutely not" was their answer.
Eight months after I began to date Cindy, I asked her father if I could ask her to marry me. He said, "If you and Cindy marry this summer, you would have my blessing, and you would be getting a good wife." Well, that was exactly what I wanted. "But," he continued, "If you will wait one year longer, you will get a great wife."
We waited the extra year. Do we have any regrets that we waited? Absolutely not! My wife and I both were able to fully enjoy our teenage years and our college days before we entered marriage. By the way, I have a great wife.
11. Date only a born-again Christian. To many of you, this is too obvious. I only wish it were to the many dozens of couples I know who have shipwrecked their lives by violating this very clear command of Scripture. II Corinthians 6:14 states pointedly, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"
Again, I personally know of couples who married when one or the other was not saved. The only thing they prove is that God is merciful and forgiving. The Bible says, "Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God" (Matthew 4:7)
Don't "push" God's kindness by disobeying His command to not be "unequally yoked together with unbelievers." (II Corinthians 6: 14a) God punished the nation of Israel more for marrying unbelievers than He did for any other sin.
Julie was beautiful and had a vibrant Christian testimony. She loved her parents and her church. But, Julie fell in love with an unsaved boy, and no amount of counsel or "friendly advice" could sway her from making plans to marry this guy.
Julie repeatedly said, "He'll get saved soon. And after we're married, he promises to attend my church." So goes the path of deceit and brokenheartedness.
The night before their wedding, Julie's fiancé was given a "stag party" by his unsaved "buddies." He was still drunk at the wedding time, and his best man had to physically hold him up while he slurred through his vows.
Julie assured everyone that this would all change after the honeymoon. It didn't. It never does!
Three years of marriage, two children, and dozens of physical beatings later Julie cries, "I would rather die than live another day in this marriage. l'd rather my children die than suffer through this hell on earth. Why didn't I listen to those warnings?"
1 don't know. Why don't you?
Perhaps as you read this, you personally do not know what it means to be a "born-again Christian." Let me explain it for you. To be born again means to be born spiritually. You had a physical birth, but you need a spiritual birth, else you will die and go to Hell forever. You ask, "How can I be born again spiritually so I don't go to Hell?" Very simple. Read these four facts:
(1) You are a sinner. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23)
(2) Sinners deserve to go to Hell. "The wicked shall be turned into hell." (Psalm 9:17)
(3) Jesus Christ loves you, died for you, and rose from the dead for you. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8b)
(4) You must personally ask Jesus to save you from Hell. "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Romans 10:13)
How do you call upon the name of the Lord? Let me help you. Make this prayer your personal call to Jesus as you sincerely read it out loud: "Dear Jesus, I admit I am a sinner, and that I deserve to go to Hell. I believe You died for my sins. Right now, the best I know how, I ask You to forgive me for my sins and save me and give me eternal life with You in Heaven. Thank You for loving me and saving me. Amen."
If you just asked Jesus to save you, write to me and let me rejoice with you.
12. Date only a soul winner. Telling people of the love of Christ is the greatest and most important work any person could do. Date someone who does the greatest and most important work.
Before we married, my wife had personally won over 1,000 people to Christ. What a personal motivation that was to me. My girlfriend inspired me to want to tell others of Christ. That's what I call the right kind of person to date.
13. Date someone who loves God, the Bible, and old-fashioned preaching. Our first date was to a youth revival, as was our second. The very first thing my new bride and I did when we entered our hotel room on our honeymoon was to kneel by the sofa and read the Bible and pray.
Don't date some backslidden person just because they have a pretty face or a handsome smile. Date someone who has a passion for Jesus!
How to Ask Out a Girl
I had positioned myself in the balcony of our church so that I could see Cindy sitting across the auditorium on the main floor. Tonight was the night I would ask her for a date. I honestly do not recall anything from that church service, but when it ended, I distinctly remember my friend Rick saying, "Jack, it's now or never."
Instantly, my palms became wet and clammy. My stomach tried to force its way out of my abdomen as though it were possessed by a demon, my heart pounded so loudly I was certain Cindy could hear it from where she was sitting. My knees grew weak and nearly buckled as I stumbled and staggered down the stairway.
"I don't have to go through with this," I thought. "No girl ought to have this much power over a man. Why should something as simple as asking out a girl make a grown man quiver with fear?"
I didn't have a chance to answer myself, for now I was standing in front of her. Mechanically, my mouth began to open and close. The words came out thick and deliberate. The look on Cindy's face told me that she was enjoying my agony. She was going to let me make a total fool of myself and then destroy what masculine strength I had left by rejecting my invitation; however, her positive answer and kind words startled me.
"Yes, I would like very much to join you for the Youth Revival."
As I walked away with my male ego still intact, Rick asked me, "Well, how did it go, Jack?"
"A real 'piece of cake,' Rick," I hedged. "I was totally in control the whole time."
From the conversations I have had with young men seeking to date, I have found my experience to be the rule more than the exception. I have seen some very strong men wince at the thought of asking out a girl. I have spoken to scores of young men on how to ask out a girl. Let me give you some of the pointers I have shared with them.
1. Have a mutual friend Introduce you to the girl before you ask he, for a date. This could even be a teacher or a pastor. Her response at this time is very important in determining whether or not you should ask her out.
I have introduced many couples who are now happily married. Often I would introduce them and say something like, "I would like you to spend five minutes together, but what you do after that is up to you."
If you fear being rejected by a girl, don't risk a "no" answer by asking a girl who has never seen you or met you. If she has been introduced to you, and she has any interest in you, she will do some "behind the scenes" checking up on you.
I'm not a glutton for rejection. Though I asked out few girls, I never received a "no" for an answer. This is because I never asked out a girl I was not reasonably certain would say "yes" before I asked her for a date.
2. A few days after you have been introduced let her catch you looking at her. Warning! The only place a man should look on a girl is her eyes! A good girl is going to be totally negative toward a man who "checks her out." Keep your eyes only on her eyes. Let me further caution you not to stare at her or constantly look at her.
Shortly after I had been introduced to Cindy, I realized she stayed after the Wednesday night church service waiting for her dad to finish counseling. On one Wednesday evening, I casually strolled the hallways of our church, trying not to seem as though I were looking for her. As I passed by a long hallway, I looked toward the other end and saw Cindy walking the opposite direction as I, but looking my way.
Quickly, I moved on. But then I felt this impulse to back up and catch one more glimpse. When I did so, I saw that she too had backed up to catch a glimpse of me. There we were, standing 60 feet apart looking at each other, feeling totally embarrassed. I thought to myself, "Jack, you 'blew' it. She caught you looking at her.
Immediately, I countered, "But you also caught her looking at you." We were both interested, and we both knew it. Now we were ready to begin the dating game.
3. Between the time you are introduced and you ask her for a date, try to cross her path and greet her personally by name with a pleasant smile. If you're perceptive, you (and sometimes others) will notice if she is simply being polite or if she is flirting back with you.
4. When it comes time to ask her for a date, speak to her when you know she will not be in a hurry, and she won't be with several of her friends.
5. Use her name, remind her of your name, and briefly state your question. When I asked out Cindy, I said, "Cindy, my name is Jack. Bink introduced us a couple of weeks ago. There is a youth revival this week, and I was hoping you would be free on Monday night to join me."
6. Ask her a few days in advance of the date you are planning.
7. Don't expect an immediate answer, but rather ask her to give you her answer the following day at the same place and at the same time. If she does say "yes," so much the better; however, she may want to think it over, get a reference on you, check with her parents, work out schedule conflicts, or think of a polite way to say "no." You are catching her off guard. You had time to plan your words, she did not. It is only fair that she be given time to prepare her thoughts and words.
8. If her answer is yes, give her the details as to place, time, chaperons, proper attire, etc.
9. If her answer is "no," ask her If there is a possibility for a later date. Unless her answer is a cheerful "yes," I would chalk it up to experience and move on or seek wise counsel from your pastor. I would not be interested in dating a girl who did not want to date me or did not make any sincere effort to work out conflicts in order to date me. Either she does or does not want to date. I'm not a beggar, nor am I desperate for her.
10. Remember when you approach a girl for a date, she is just as nervous If not more so than you are. Plan your words well, but don't feel as though you are making a speech. She is as concerned with making a good impression with you as you are with her.
Catching His Eye
A young lady is really at a disadvantage in the dating game. She must wait until a guy asks her out, and often he is not the guy she would prefer to date. She is quite helpless when compared with the guy who enjoys asking whomsoever he will, but such are the rules of dating. How then can a girl catch the right guy? As a man, I know that a girl is not powerless. Though a man must take the initiative, there are strong signals a girl can send to "catch his eye."
1. Be feminine. No man enjoys dating a masculine counterpart. The stronger the masculinity of the man, the greater his desire for a truly feminine lady. On the other hand, the weaker the man, the greater his need for a strong, dominating female personality.
2. Don't be pushy or loud A meek and quiet spirit does not mean weak or boring, nor does it mean boisterous and obnoxious. "But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." (I Peter 3:4)
3. Be spirited A good synonym would be enthusiasm. Men do not like to date a "stick in the mud." They want a girl who is willing to jump in and participate and have fun. When young men ask me what they should be looking for in a girl, I tell them to look for a "positive response." A man wants a girl who wants to be a part of his life. That includes his fun, his ministry, his job, his interests, his friends, his hobbies, and so forth. Points 2 and 3 balance each other. Join in whatever and whenever a guy invites you, but be careful not to steal the show from him or embarrass him. For instance, if a young man invites you to play a game, play with him, even if you do not like the game or fear doing poorly. He will admire your spirit and will enjoy teaching you to play. If, however, you are good at that particular game, you would be wise to lose on purpose.
Shame on the girl who refuses to join the activity. Double shame on the girl who humiliates her boyfriend by overpowering or conquering him.
4. Do not chase a man. This is a cardinal sin. You may flirt to let him know you are interested, but do not become overly infatuated. Let me give you some dangers:
(1) Do not tell everyone how much you want to date him. A simple comment to your best friend or counselor is appropriate, but do not broadcast your feelings.
(2) Do not tease him about dating you. Sharp young men take dating seriously, and are not at all impressed with someone acting forward or silly about dating.
(3) Do not "hang around" wherever he is. It is wise to be available for him to ask you for a date. Some girls hibernate from public and wonder why they are never asked for a date, while others become pests, smothering a guy with their presence.
6. Learn to do the best you can with what you have. Study and learn the art of hair styling, make-up, and appealing dress. There is nothing wrong with your learning how to look the best you can as long as your beauty and clothing are not the "big guns" you are using to catch your man.
May I Suggest a Few Tips?
(1) Don't wear blue jean skirts and sneakers on a regular basis.
(2) Wear dresses that accentuate your feminine form without being seductive. While you should be careful not to wear tight sweaters and tops or tight-fitting skirts, you should not wear baggy clothing that hangs poorly on your frame and detracts from your feminine characteristics. For instance, perhaps you could accent your slender build with a large belt.
Your clothing should emphasize your face and eyes which the Bible calls your countenance. Perhaps a certain type collar on a dress or modest amounts of jewelry would be appropriate. Follow the example of godly ladies who are obviously feminine and whose husbands frequently compliment them on their dress.
(3) By all means, keep your weight down to the proper level. Hundreds upon hundreds of times I have had young men tell me that they would date a particular girl in whom they were interested if only she would lose a few pounds.
(4) Fix your hair every day. Go to the library, study books on hair care and find new ways to wear your hair.
(5) Wear dresses with shoulder padding, puffy shoulders, or expanded shoulders.
(6) Don't be afraid to wear modest amounts of make-up. But, be very careful about using excessive eye shadow. Many guys are turned off by dark or colored eye shadow. (7) Don't be trendy. One of my best friends in college nearly broke up with his future wife because she was the first to wear colored stockings among her peers. I realize this sounds very trite, but I'm trying to give you ladies a bit of insight into the complex male thinking.
(8) Keep your clothes clean and pressed and your fingernails properly manicured.
(9) Wear perfume that men enjoy. Many of the perfumes that women like, men don't. Ask your father or older brother what his favorite perfume is and wear that.
7. Let a guy know if you are interested in him. How? The first few times you walk by him, just catch his eye. Nothing more! Then, the next few times, simply smile at him and pass on by. Then, the next time, catch his eye and say "Hi," using his first name, and keep right on walking. That in itself should be all that is necessary to get him to start talking to you. This process may take a few days or even weeks.
8. Don't go after guys who are already dating regularly. If you can't get them off your mind, tell the matter to the Lord, and your counselor, and leave it completely with them.
9. Don't get "stuck" on one guy you can't seem to get This is a common mistake. The power of fantasy is often overwhelming. I have often recommended to such ladies that they have a "burial service" for this guy. Die to him in your emotions, and give God permission to bring the right one into your life. It is an overworked phrase, but quite appropriate here. God gives the best to those who leave the choice with Him.
10. Watch your posture. Walk like a princess. Don't slouch or shuffle as you walk. Mimic the grace and poise of Christian ladies who have a reputation for such poise. The very first thing that caught my attention toward my wife was the manner in which she walked. There was a charm in her graceful steps that was intriguing to me.
11. Be a hard worker, get good grades in school, and be able to get things accomplished A guy may enjoy dating an "air head," but every guy wants to marry a girl who has her act together.
12. Write a thank-you note after every date. Gratitude is a powerful energy.
13. Build and maintain a strong relationship with your father. Most guys understand that they will be treated much like their father-in-law was treated.
14. Use the words, "I love you" sparingly. Many girls make a mistake of telling nearly everyone in their sphere of life that they "love" them. Keep those words as a special treasure reserved for that one man in your life, Of course, I'm not referring to your family. I think it is fine to use them for your parents, family, and good friends; however, I would not use them for male leaders, teachers and co-workers.
I don't envy the position of the ladies in our dating society; yet, for all the struggles they face trying to get the right man, they do remarkably well. My prayer is that the men will wake up and realize how many lovely Christian ladies are within asking distance.
Height, Breadth, and Depth of Love
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach." — E. B. Browning
In the third chapter of Ephesians, the Apostle Paul writes of a love that has breadth, length, depth and height — a love that passes knowledge and expresses the fullness of God. "That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. "(Ephesians 3:17-19) That's the kind of love I want to know.
And that's the kind of love I want you to know as you grow in love through the different stages of dating. A complete dating relationship could be defined in five stages:
(1) The "First date" stage (2) The "I like you" stage (3) The "I love you" stage (4) The "Engagement" stage (5) The "Wedding day" stage
Allow me to share some insights on these stages.
1. It is normal but very unwise to want to race quickly through these five stages. Most often it is the man who views these stages as goals to be reached as swiftly as possible. Men like a challenge, and more often than not, a man is accelerating into the next stage before the couple has time to savor the present stage.
Of course, a lady too can be overly anxious to pursue the wedding day at the expense of a deep relationship.
2. Enjoy the journey, not just the destination. Keep in mind that eventually you will finish the fifth stage with most of your life before you. What then will keep you challenged — children? Usually, if children are brought into a marriage to keep "spice" in the relationship, the marriage suffers. While children are certainly challenging, they are also a constant energy drain on the parents, often leaving little time for romance in the early days of diapers and feedings every four hours. 3. Develop the breadth of each stage before moving to the next stage. Have as your goal to say "I like you" a hundred different ways before you actually say those three words. Then, after you say them, you will be in the "I love you" stage; but again, think of literally thousands of ways to say "I love you" before you actually say those powerful words.
A few months after my wife and I began dating (I was a junior in college, she was a freshman), I was desperately in love with her. In fact, I had written in a daily journal that I was confident she was "the one" for me after only two weeks of dating. I discussed this with my parents (who had advised me to date her before I had met her), but I could not breathe a word of this to my girlfriend.
I believed I loved her, but I had not told her yet that I liked her, at least not in those words. Through thoughtful dates and special gifts, I had let her know I was quite fond of her, and she always responded in like manner with thoughtful expressions of "like." The time came for me to tell her that I liked her. I didn't want to say it verbally because I wanted to use that method to say "I love you." So I wrote a lengthy letter carefully explaining that the time had come to tell her some important feelings I had for her. She told me later that she was certain I was about to tell her that I loved her. Instead, the letter went on to say that the special words I had for her were "I like you very much." We then entered the "I love you" stage. Now the process started all over again with both of us thinking of hundreds of ways to say "I love you" without using those words.
My, how I want to impress upon you the importance of not using those words in a flippant manner. Reserve those words for that special someone that God has just for you. I explained that to my girlfriend. I said, "Those words are very special words that I would reserve for only one girl in my entire life."
I did not at that time tell her that I loved her. For several months, I had tried to say "I love you" through other words, gifts, creative dates, candy, flowers, smiles, comments about her hair, dress, etc.
Finally, I said, "Cindy. I have tried a thousand ways to say something that is very special to me — something I have reserved just for you. I have exhausted my resources to properly express it to you, and there remains but one way to say it — I love you!" Of course she knew I loved her. But it was very special to both of us to hold off saying those words until we had said them in many different ways first.
Well, Cindy didn't tell me immediately that she loved me. What a rascal she was. I was dying to hear those words from her, but she had been well-trained and was very careful to be sure those words were not just said in response to mine or as a reaction to an emotional evening.
Two full weeks after I told her I loved her, she rushed past me while I was standing on a stairway and whispered in my ear, "I love you, too." I didn't hear her plainly, but I was quite sure she had said what I was longing to hear.
I said, "I heard that."
She said, "You heard what?"
"You said that you lo. . . well.. . er... I think.., you said that you.., well... ah... you know what you whispered to me," I shouted.
Suddenly, she broke into laughter and cried, "I do love you, Jack!" Now, I knew before this that she loved me. Her letters, cards, gifts, smiles, cookies, etc. all told me she loved me. But we both had expanded the breadth and depth of the "I love you" stage which made those words beautiful to hear.
We used the same idea for the stages that followed the "I love you" stage as well. What I'm saying is this: Don't rush into each stage. Enjoy each stage to its fullest, and when you have exhausted every possible way of expressing that next stage, then and only then enter that stage. When you build a relationship this way, you are building a solid foundation for marriage. If breadth of relationship is more important to you than simply entering and achieving the next stage, you will have a loving, expressive marriage. How sad to have said, "I like you" without ever expressing what "like" truly is.
How sad to have said, "I love you" without ever knowing or showing the depth and breadth and fullness of love.
How sad to rush into marriage without ever having taken sufficient time to express your longings and desires in a thousand wonderful, creative ways.
Creative Ideas for Dating
"In the beginning God created.... " (Genesis 1:1)
The very first attribute we learn of God is that He is a creative God. Creativity implies being characterized by expressive thoughts and ideas. Imagination would be a good word. Probably one of the most common problems I see in dating is that of boredom, especially among those couples who are engaged or who have been dating for more than eighteen months. Howard said, "My fiancée complains that our relationship is the 'pits.' This really hurts me." After I asked a few questions about their dating, I was forced to agree with Howard's fiancée that their relationship was the "pits." They had basically the same kinds of dates every week with no variety or creative expression.
Some time ago, I counseled a fine couple about the problem of boredom in their dating. When we finished, the young lady said, "Thank you, Brother Schaap, for giving out ideas for a living." That pretty well sums up a large portion of my dating counsel.
Boredom can be deadly to a relationship. The following are dozens of creative dating ideas that couples have used to add some spice to their dating.
1. Plan a picnic. Picnicking is basic, but it is always fun, especially by a lake or in a row boat.
2. Prepare a Mexican dinner. Dress up in Mexican sombreros, play Mexican music, eat Mexican food. You could create the same type of atmosphere by using Chinese, Japanese, German, French, Italian, or Russian food and dress. Decorate your dining room in the national colors with color posters you can pick up at most travel agencies. Music cassettes featuring that country's native songs can be checked out at public libraries. Fifteen minutes spent reading an encyclopedia about a certain nation and its cuisine and customs could add extra touches to your decorating and entrees.
3. Entertain with a formal dinner at home. Ask a family member or friend to dress up as a butler or maid in formal serving attire. Set a formal dinner table with white linen tablecloths and napkins, crystal, china and candles. (Borrow items from friends or relatives or rent them from any rental store.) For food, you can serve anything from a five course meal featuring Chateaubriand to Big Macs. In fact, elegant settings with fast food would make the occasion humorous, yet memorable.
4. Go canoeing.
5. Go fishing. Stocked trout ponds are great fun. You are almost guaranteed to catch many fish. This is especially good for those girls who are not fond of placing worms on fish hooks.
6. Go hunting.
7. Learn the sport of archery.
8. Bowl a couple of games. To add some flair to the occasion, buy an inexpensive trophy to award your date.
9. Go hiking.
10. Play a game of table tennis.
11. Learn the game of tennis.
12. Take walks. My wife and I got into the habit of walking together while we were dating. We still love to just take a leisurely stroll through a park, along a quiet beach at sunset, or on a wooded path.
13. Secure two bikes and go biking.
14. Play a game of badminton.
15. Invest in some table and computer games. "Sorry," "Monopoly," "Dominos," "Checkers" and a host of other games all provide hours of laughter, challenge, and fun for two or more people.
16. Read a book together. Biographies, adventure stories, travelogues, history, the Bible, and other books can be enjoyed by reading in turn to each other.
17. Make a homemade card for a shut-in. One of the very best ways to get close to a person is to do something together for another person. There are scores of elderly or bed- ridden people in your church or community who would absolutely love a homemade card from a young dating couple.
18. Plan a surprise phone call For dating couples who are at college or away from home, put a few dollars worth of change in your pocket or purse. Stop at a pay phone and call your date's family or friend without their knowing it. When the person answers the phone, hand the receiver to your date. Not only will your date's family be pleased with the unexpected call, but your date will be surprised and happy and will spend the remainder of the date talking about this surprise. 19. Make a homemade sign or card of cheer and encouragement for your pastor.
20. Make a candy bar poster for your parents, your date, your youth director, or anyone. These posters require a lot of thought, imagination and planning as the different names of candy bars are used to write out a loving message. (The actual candy bars are used so that the message can be eaten a little at a time!)
21. Make some homemade baked goods. Bake some cookies or brownies, or make some fudge or popcorn to take to someone in the hospital, someone sick at home, your pastor, your youth director, your grandparents, or someone who needs cheering. This activity allows you to enjoy making the gift as a date as well as enjoying giving the gift on the same or a later date.
22. Wash your parent's or pastor's car together.
23. Make a newspaper for your date. Using an actual newspaper, cut out funny or serious articles. Insert your date's name in place of the person named in the article. You could also add a picture of your date and articles written by friends. Paste the articles on a poster board and design your own headline.
24. Make a "Lifesaver" note. Carefully slice open one end of a "Lifesaver" roll of candy. Write a message to your date, very tightly roll up the message and insert it through the holes of the candy still in the package. Then carefully glue down the open end of the candy roll. At a fitting time, give it as a gift to your date. As your date takes a piece of candy, the piece of paper rolled up in the center of the roll will be discovered.
25. Make a "Cracker Jack" surprise. Carefully open the bottom of a box of "Cracker Jack." Find the prize package already in the box, open the envelope carefully in order to reuse it, and make a new prize with a special gift or message for your date. Replace the "prize package," and reseal the box. Give the box to your date. A note of caution: Just be sure you give your date the correct box!
A friend of mine gave his girlfriend her engagement ring by using this kind of surprise. He handed me four boxes of "Cracker Jack," but didn't mark which one was for his girlfriend. You never saw two guys worry more than we did when it came time for me to pass out the boxes to his girlfriend and my wife. Fortunately, it worked out as planned, but I always wondered what would have happened if the wrong person had received the ring!
26. Have a scavenger hunt. This is a great idea to use for a surprise if you have not seen your date for quite some time and you are not expected. Send a letter to your date with directions to a specific location. That letter also should hint at a special surprise gift awaiting your date's arrival! Then, at that place, have directions to other designated locations until your date arrives at a special place where you are found waiting.
27. Double date to the zoo.
28. Spend an afternoon at a museum.
29. Write the Chamber of Commerce in your state for information. Ask for the names and locations of tourist attractions, recreational facilities and parks within 25 miles of your hometown. You will be surprised at the amount of information available on different activities and facilities. For example, near my own area, you can find these:
(1) A 200-year-old authentic Dutch windmill that still grinds flour and makes for a great tour.
(2) An exact replica of a village in the Netherlands with shops, canals, Dutch costumes, and music.
(3) An antique city comprised of dozens of little antique shops that are fun to see and offer great gift ideas.
(4) A ferry boat ride across a large river.
(5) A national wildlife refuge where the geese and ducks can be fed.
(6) A rustic and romantic restaurant featuring an old-fashioned cider press still being used to make apple cider.
(7) Three-hundred-foot high sand dunes that offer an incredible view of the sunset.
(8) Dune schooner rides that are super thrilling. They drive straight down the dunes right into the water.
(9) An Amish community where an entire day can be spent touring, eating, and riding in horse-drawn buggies.
(10) State parks with great canoeing and hiking facilities.
(11) The third largest city in America with the world's tallest building. Since this building has an observation deck, it makes for a romantic date in the evening looking out over the city from 103 stories high.
(12) A boat ride on a river that flows through the large city.
(13) World-famous science museums, aquariums, planetariums. and zoos.
By no means is this list conclusive. On the contrary, the surface of what is available has hardly been touched, thereby offering a dating couple unlimited opportunities other than going to each other's houses to watch the weekly sit-coin.
30. Go miniature golfing.
31. Drive go-carts.
32. Visit auto shows.
33. Watch truck or tractor pulls.
34. Visit antique shows.
35. Attend the county fair. My wife and I take our children to the county fair each year; we go to look at the 4-H exhibits, the livestock, the horse shows, and to enjoy the food.
36. Watch a demolition derby.
37. Go to book sales at county libraries.
38. Map out and visit garage and/or yard sales.
39. Follow sports. Most guys like sports, as do many girls. The more you know about the particular sport that your date likes, the easier it will be to talk with each other.
I think you should have a general knowledge about all of the major organized sports, including some of the leading college teams. The best way to become familiar with the world of sports is to read the daily sports page in your newspaper or to peruse one of the you can find the popular sports magazines.
40. Go horseback riding. Next door to my subdivision is a riding stable. For very little money, one can rent two horses for a couple of hours.
41. Get an autographed picture of your date's favorite athlete or preacher. Send a letter and a few dollars to cover the expenses, and you can deliver a keepsake to your date.
42. Build a model of your favorite sports car together. These models are quite inexpensive and provide several hours of enjoyment.
43. Make a scrapbook. Put together a scrapbook of pictures of your dates, letters from heroes and friends, and personal remembrances to give to your date for a birthday or Christmas. I always recommend homemade gifts such as this rather than store-bought gifts. They're much more personal and meaningful.
44. Keep a journal of your daily feelings and events. Purchase two blank journals — one for you and one for your date so you may each keep a record. I did this when I was dating. I kept my journal diligently for several months. I also gave one to my girlfriend. When I asked her to let me see hers, she refused, until I brought out mine and offered to exchange. She immediately agreed to exchange. As I read her journal, I learned more about her character and walk with God and feelings for me than I ever could have learned in years of dating. Of course, this would be an idea for couples already dating seriously.
45. Make a cassette tape together to send to grandparents or family members or friends far away. You could include singing, interviews of each other, jokes, and personal messages.
46. Plan a progressive dating dinner. Get three or four couples together. Have each couple prepare one part of a full course dinner. Then, all the couples could go together to one house at a time and eat that one part of the meal. For instance, at one couple's house you could have an appetizer; at another's, you could have salad; then on to another's for an entree and to the last home for dessert. Many times parents would be glad to help in the preparation.
47. Get several couples together to go Christmas caroling. It doesn't have to be Christmas. Part of the fun is being a little crazy. Go Easter caroling or Fourth of July caroling.
48. Build a snowman together.
49. Go to the youth activities of your church together.
50. Do a chore together. Clean out the garage together for both of your parents. It's amazing how much fun work can be when you labor with someone whose presence you enjoy. Besides, Mom and Dad would be impressed with any date of yours who wanted to help you and them both. Let me add here that one of the quickest ways to gain favor with the parents of your date is to be a hard worker who jumps in when there is a job to do!
51. Visit a nursing home together. Buy some inexpensive flowers to give to the residents or take some sugarless candy or fruit. Be sure to check with the front desk to find out the best times to visit and the residents who most need company.
52. Make homemade ice cream. Modern ice cream makers are not messy and are very easy to operate; on the other hand, the old fashioned hand-cranked wooden bucket variety which requires ice and salt is more romantic.
53. Pick your own fruit and vegetables at a U-pick farm or orchard. Apples, strawberries, blueberries, etc. are fun to pick and make a great afternoon together.
54. Make caramel candy apples.
55. Put together a large puzzle. When you have finished, you can coat it with a clear glue/finish and frame it.
56. Make homemade fudge.
57. Pick autumn leaves together.
58. Go to an orchestra hail.
59. Swing on a porch swing.
60. Take an airplane or helicopter ride. I was a private pilot while I was dating my wife, and I would fly to her city in Indiana from my hometown of Holland, Michigan, to take her for an airplane ride. She loved it. If you know of a pilot, he would probably be more than excited to take both of you for a ride for a nominal fee.
61. Take a scenic tour of the Christmas lights in your city.
62. Visit a farm or a petting zoo. Many farms welcome tourists and let you participate or just watch the milking of cows and goats, the feeding and grooming of horses, the gathering of eggs, and the numerous other tasks that take place on a farm.
63. Have an outdoor barbecue.
64. Put together a surprise package for your date. If your date is travelling away from you or if you are travelling together, put several personal and novelty gifts in a sack with instructions to remove one item every hour on the hour. This makes the trip more enjoyable and is a scheduled reminder of your affection.
65. Visit your grandparents together.
66. Go cross-country skiing, tobogganing, ice skating, or sledding.
67. Learn a game, activity or sport together that is unfamiliar to both of you. Learn the rules and how to play games like chess, ping-pong, croquet, etc. Perhaps you would want to learn the art of photography together. The choices are endless.
68. Have your own Easter egg hunt.
69. Carve pumpkins together.
70. Build and fly your own kite. You can also buy fancy new ones. Either way, kite flying is great fun.
71. Go trick-or-treating together. You could make your own costumes as well.
72. Put on a fireworks display for your family.
73. Visit the cemetery together. I realize this sounds strange, but my wife and I enjoy very much visiting the cemetery where many of our dear church members are buried, thereby reliving memories we have of their earthly lives. I always try to visit the cemetery in my hometown where some of my family members are buried. These can be very sweet times to be shared with those you love.
74. Pray together. Share prayer requests and sincerely pray for those needs and burdens. I despise a certain kind of "cool" Christianity that smirks at the idea of praying together or talking of spiritual things. I happen to love God, and I am not embarrassed to talk to God or about God with my friends or family.
As you can see, I think there are a lot better ideas for dating than sitting around talking or studying or watching television. You will not get close to each other by watching the television or the VCR.
Rare is the couple who sits around and talks about the times they sat around and talked, yet I know of hundreds of couples who laugh and cry and feel close as they remember the fun activities they enjoyed with each other.
Be creative for special occasions. When Cindy and I got engaged, I took her to the fanciest restaurant which overlooked a beautiful lake in my hometown. I had purchased a card that announced this day as a very significant day in our lives. After our meal, I gave her the card. Then, I presented Cindy with a wrapped gift. It was a heart-shaped jewelry box. Inside the box was a single charm that read "Our Engagement Day." Then I gave her the engagement ring. (Both the heart-shaped jewelry box and Cindy's engagement ring are pictured on the front cover of this book.)
Let me suggest just a few ways to create your own ideas on how to make your dates special.
1. Spend an hour browsing through a gift and card shop. Some of the major card companies spend hundreds of thousands of dollars hiring creative people to come up with unique ideas. Borrow their ideas, and make your own items.
2. Ask happily married couples for some of their best dating ideas.
3. Think. Spend 30 - 60 minutes each month alone with a notepad and pen writing down every idea you can think of for an exciting and unusual date.
4. Read youth activity books. There are several books available for youth directors to give them ideas for youth activities. Adapt some of those ideas to your individual dating times.
5. Try something different at least once every month. Don't get into a rut. Someone once said that a rut is a grave with the ends knocked out. Well, don't dig a grave for your dating relationship by having the same kinds of boring dates.
If you try something creative that is not on my list, let me know. I'm always looking for new and exciting dates I can try with my wife as well as recommending them to the many dating couples who ask me for ideas.
Timing Is Everything
The rabbits were not cooperating with the hunt which my dad and I had planned for the morning. I sat on an old stump, my shotgun resting across my lap; likewise, my dad sat several feet away.
Dad asked me to repeat what I had just barely managed to get out the first time. "We broke up last night. And it's permanent." Each syllable needed a special push to exit my mouth.
I had been introduced to a young lady by my home pastor while I was working as a youth director at my home church for the summer. We seemed to hit it off well from the start. Her parents were very pleased, and I thought mine were as well. She was a soul winner, a committed Christian, and a highly-respected young lady.
In spite of the fact that she was attending a different Christian college than I, we were confident our relationship would last. We wrote frequently, and I called her every Saturday. Nevertheless, four months after our first date, I had a "gut" feeling all was not well.
We had a date during the Thanksgiving holidays. It was a disaster. Before we said good-bye, she told me that our relationship was not going to work. I tried to convince her otherwise, but it was hopeless.
That night, I drove into the parking lot of my church, entered the building, and made my way to the altar where I spent the next few hours praying, crying, and thinking. When I got off my knees to leave, I left our relationship at the altar in the hands of God.
When I arrived home, I got out my Bible to read some chapters from the book of Proverbs. I knew I needed wisdom, and I couldn't think of a better place to find some.
I was reading chapter 24. My attention was arrested by verse 14. "So shall the knowledge of wisdom be unto thy soul: when thou hast found it, then there shall be a reward, and thy expectation shall not be cut off" This was comforting. My "expectation" was to find the right girl for me. God was reassuring me that He had a special "reward" for me if I would make a commitment to the "knowledge of wisdom."
Well, I continued to read. Again my focus was drawn to a verse — a verse that would shape my philosophy of dating and help to guide many hundreds of couples through my counseling.
Verse 27 says, "Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house." This truth gripped me and cleared the fog in my mind. God was telling me that my job was to determine what my calling in life was and to prepare for that calling. Then, and only then was I to "build mine house."
Like so many couples, I had been trying to secure my wife before I secured God's calling and my preparation for that calling. It was the proverbial "cart before the horse" syndrome.
God was teaching me that the timing of a relationship should be left in His hands. My responsibility was to know and prepare to do God's will. Period. After I explained all of this to my dad, he said, "Son, I believe God has someone very special just for you to marry. But I believe also that the best assurance you have of meeting that girl is to concentrate on your studies at college and your preparation as a preacher. God is duty-bound to bring you two together in His good timing. Keep your eyes open so you don't miss her, but don't feel pressured to date just for the sake of dating. In God's own way, He'll work out the details."
Well, five months later, I was introduced to that special girl who would later become my wife. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.... " Everything God has ever done was done according to a schedule. Creation was according to God's timetable: Moses' meeting with God at the burning bush was according to schedule. The Red Sea parting just in time was according to God's schedule. David's meeting with Goliath was according to a divine schedule. Jesus' birth in Bethlehem was in "the fullness of the time." (Galatians 4:4a) The rapture of the saints will be according to God's timetable, as is everything that God has done, is doing, or will be doing.
And the major events of your life, as well as the minute details, are all to be carefully scheduled around God's timetables.
1. Serious dating should not begin before the young man has properly settled what God's general direction is for his life The particulars do not need to be settled, but he should definitely know whether or not he should be pursuing full-time Christian service, or whether he will be entering the secular work field.
Many young ladies have committed themselves to marrying only full-time Christian workers. This is good and proper, hence, it is only fair that a young man know his field and make his intentions known early in the dating stage before romance overpowers the sacred commitments of earlier years.
2. The wedding day should be scheduled after the completion of the preparation for life's calling. Irreparable damage to one's calling or to a relationship can result when preparation is postponed for a wedding.
May I remind you that you are to "build thine house" after you "prepare thy work without."
3. Remember that it is not right to deprive a young lady and her parents of her college degree for the sake of an early wedding date. Both the man and the lady have the right and the obligation to finish their preparation, and both must ensure each other's degree.
It is a dirty shame when a young man urges marriage prematurely upon a lady, thereby not allowing her to finish college. He is mocking the dreams of her parents, and is foolishly shortchanging himself with a less-than-adequately prepared wife.
If the man goes to college and meets his wife there, then both of them must be committed to finishing their college degrees; consequently, they must pace their dating accordingly.
4. If neither of the couple plans to attend college, they should schedule the wedding to be after the man is secure in his job, providing both have finished their high-school training. I understand that many men and women will not attend college. In that case, certainly the couple should wait until both of them have finished college and until the young man has established himself in his trade.
William and Shem asked me to perform their wedding ceremony. Both had finished high school, and neither planned to attend college. Their parents had given their approval, but William had just started a new job that had placed him on a six-month probation period while he was in training. At any time during those six months William could be released from the job for any reason. I advised them to hold off their wedding until William finished the probation period and was more settled in the job.
5. Realize that frustration occurs in dating when the man has not settled his life's calling. The Bible is very clear about the calling of the lady. God states in Genesis chapter 2 that Eve was to be a "help meet" for Adam. "And the LORD God Said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make an help meet for him." (Genesis 2:18)
Eve's responsibility was to help Adam be successful in his calling. A wife's calling is to help her man achieve his purpose in life. If, however, a man does not know what that purpose is for him, his wife cannot fulfill her purpose of helping him.
Often then, the "purpose" of dating is simply to have fun, or to get married. If a man makes marriage his purpose, he will ultimately feel the frustration of not achieving his unique purpose and reason for living.
"Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man, " states I Corinthians 11:9. Adam's purpose in life was not to get married, but rather to "dress" the garden "and to keep it." Adam's job was to make the garden productive and to protect it. Eve's duty was to help Adam.
The words help meet are defined as a protector or guard. In other words, Eve was to protect and guard Adam while he protected and guarded the garden.
6. At the very earliest, a couple could marry when the lady has less than one year remaining in college. There is a very distinct possibility that she could become pregnant shortly after the wedding day. Her chances of finishing college with a newborn child are severely reduced; hence, every precaution should be taken to ensure her graduation.
7. Generally, a couple should not marry if either is in debt financially. One of the major causes for fussing in a marriage is financial mismanagement. Don't start off handicapped in this area. Get out of debt and stay out of debt.
Many engaged couples make serious financial mistakes by charging furniture, appliances, etc. to an individual or a joint account even before they are married. This is very foolish. I realize that it sounds romantic to have a joint credit card account, but you will regret the day you made such a blunder, and it may take ten or more years to recover from the damage of a few unwise purchases.
Carl and Katie were four years from marriage, but already they knew they were to be married. Katie's father wisely advised them to set a goal of saving one thousand dollars each per year while they waited for their wedding day. He knew this would be good insurance toward a solid start in their marriage. He also knew it would keep them busy during their excessively long wait.
I'm not saying that you need a large savings account before you get married. I am saying that you men owe it to your future in-laws to show a responsible handling of your money and the ability to care for their daughter.
8. Do not marry without your parent's approval. This is especially true if you come from a solid Christian family. I realize that many young people come from broken homes where they may have been abused verbally, physically, or emotionally. In such cases, a parent may not be willing, able, or capable of giving strong parental advice.
However, may I caution you to respect and honor your parents. Even those parents who neglected or abused or abandoned you deserve more than a rebellious attitude of self-will.
In the above-mentioned cases, consult with your pastor, and let him act as a parental advisor. Whether your parents are loving or not, consider their insight and, by all means, do not treat them with contempt or anger.
Many times parents disapprove of your dating or marriage only temporarily. Perhaps your grades, conduct, neglect of them, or your pace in dating frightens them.
Rick and Julie were very much in love. Rick was planning to ask Julie to marry him. He received permission to do so from Julie's parents; however, Julie came to me saying that she was suddenly receiving a very negative attitude from her father concerning Rick.
I explained to her that her father was probably feeling as though he were competing with Rick for her love and affection. He was struggling with the thought of losing his daughter to some young, inexperienced "boy" who could not possibly care for her as he did.
I advised her to not mention Rick around her parents, even if they brought up his name. Also, I said she should express more affection toward her father and assure him of her continued love and loyalty.
I told Rick that he had already won the competition between Julie's father and himself for Julie and that her father knew this. Therefore, Rick should not feel like a rejected boyfriend around Julie's parents. Rather, he should be confidently distant when Julie was near her father. Rick should promote her father to her and encourage their spending time together as father and daughter.
Within a few weeks, Julie and Rick told me of a "miraculous" change in Julie's father, and how her parents were getting excited about the wedding date.
If you will be a little patient with your parents and try to view your relationship from their angle, they might very well become your most ardent supporters.
Denny and Jill got into serious trouble while they were dating. Jill became pregnant, and they decided their best move was to run away and elope. Fortunately, Denny sought advice first. Certainly, they were both fearful of how their parents would react.
I told them that more than ever before they needed their parents. Their parents might take it hard at first and even get angry and bitter. In the long run, however, the parents would be supportive if the situation was handled properly.
I volunteered to be the one to break the news to the parents. Sometimes a trusted third party can be helpful. I always recommend the couple's pastor in such cases.
Not long after, I received a note from Jill telling me how excited her parents were about the wedding preparation. To be sure, Denny and Jill disappointed their parents and loved ones; however, parents do not want to be excluded from your most important of plans. To be sure, you will want your parent's approval just as you will want to give your approval to your child's major plans.
9. Do not marry without consulting with your pastor.
10. Do not plan for your engagement to last more than six to nine months. The engagement is simply a preparation stage. Emotionally, the couple is ready for marriage, and to extend this time needlessly is to invite frustration. (More can be found in Chapter 19, "To Those Engaged.")
Keep It Simple
If you're dating, you already know how confusing the whole business can become. Well-meaning friends, emotional games, and conflicting advice from sincere people can all add to the basic problems that arise when two strangers begin a romantic adventure. Before I began dating, I began to pray a very simple prayer. It went something like this: "Dear God, please show me Your will in a very plain and simple way. I am not very smart, and I need You to make Your choice clear and obvious to me." I have learned that God usually works in simple fashion. It is man who complicates the matter. This is true in salvation, and this is true in dating.
Often, confused young adults come to me who are dating. They are wanting to know how they can be sure that they have found the right one. They are also looking for some overwhelming experience to confirm God's choice. Those experiences are extremely rare. The "confirmation" God gives is usually quite common and ordinary.
It is interesting to note how often people come for advice on how to know if they're dating the right one until they find the right one. Suddenly, they need very little advice. Usually, when you find the right one, you just know it. Let's assume that you are a Christian committed to staying pure, that you will seek approval of the person you date from your parents and pastor, that you are dedicated to preparing for the work God has for you, and you are willing to wait for God's timing before getting married. (All of those topics are discussed in other chapters.) 1. If you're a guy, and you see a girl you would like to date, and she is the right kind of girl, date her.
2. If you're a girl, and a guy asks you for a date, and he's the right kind of guy, date him.
3. If that first date goes well, have another one. If that date goes well, accept a third. If that date goes well, keep on dating right into marriage!
4. If that first date does not go well, have another one. If that date does not go well, give it one more try. If that date is not a great improvement on the first two, don't date that person anymore.
Remember, dating is two people who mutually enjoy being together. Don't force someone to like you, and don't force yourself to like someone.
Occasionally, a dating couple may get off to a poor start. One of them may be ill or tired or distressed. That's why I suggest you give the relationship a few tries before canceling it.
5. Generally, if your dating is going well, and the assumptions we made above are accurate, there is no reason to second-guess God's will
6. If you have moved into the "I love you" stage or are engaged, and you have doubts, get wise advice from your pastor or an experienced counselor before ending the relationship.
7. Don't feel pressured to date someone you don't want to date.
8. Don't avoid dating because you are afraid This is especially true if there is someone you want to date who also wants to date you. Some of you came from broken homes, and you fear your marriage could likewise turn sour. Let the mistakes of your parents teach you what not to do, but do not let other's failures keep you from pursuing something as wonderful and proper as marriage. "Marriage is honourable in all." (Hebrews 13:4a)
9. Don't get "serious" before your college years.
10. Don't date anyone steadily before high school
11. Don't get "desperate" if you haven't found the "right one" before you graduate from college.
12. If you graduate from a fundamental Christian college without finding a mate, stay there until you do or until your pastor tells you to leave. God's timing does not always coincide with a graduation date.
13. Above all, trust God with the choke. Give Him the right to make the final decision as to whom you marry and when you marry. After all, He has the best interests of all involved, and He knows best what will make you happy the rest of your life.
14. Don't beg God to give you a particular person. Beg Him to give you His choice. Beg Him to give you wisdom to make the right choice, but don't beg for a specific person. God loves you enough to give you what you want even if it is not best for you. You may not want 20 years from now what you are begging for today.
15. Don't enter or end a serious relationship while you are confused The only exception to this would be if you are dating the wrong person. It's always right to stop dating the wrong person, even if you are confused.
16. Realize that you are dating the wrong person if either your parents or your pastor think so.
17. Remember that it's always wrong for a saved person to date an unsaved person.
18. Don't play games. If you feel you are getting the "run around," have a frank discussion with the person you date about the matter. Bob told me he was dating a very special girl and had been doing so for three months. Suddenly, his girlfriend withdrew from him and began to give him the "cold shoulder." They did not date for over a month. Then, Bob asked her out again, and she quickly warmed to him again. However, after a few dates, she again withdrew. I advised Bob to have a frank, but kind discussion with her to see if there was a problem. Within a short time, Bob got to the bottom of a serious misunderstanding, and they broke up. Even though their relationship ended, they saved much grief by settling the issue.
A couple of months after my wife and I began dating, we went through such a time. On one particular date, Cindy met me and immediately began giving me some reason why she had to leave right then and go home. I felt there was more to it than that, so I pressed the issue.
"Cindy," I said, "If our relationship has any chance of survival or any future, there are a couple of important rules we must follow. First, we must not play games with one another. It's fine to flirt and tease and have fun, but it's not wise to play emotional mind games. Secondly, we must build our relationship on honesty. If you feel you must break up, be honest and plain with me. If something is troubling you, let me help."
Well, three hours later Cindy finished telling me a burden of hers. Our relationship had just moved forward significantly because we decided not to play games with each other.
A dating relationship is simply two people who mutually enjoy being together. If it's more complicated than that, you're bound for confusion. "God is not the author of confusion." (I Corinthians 14:33)
Romance Or Friendship
Tina came to my office totally exasperated. She and Dale were "good friends." They had known each other for quite some time, and had hit it off from the start. They talked freely about everything, and shared their heartaches and happiness with one another. However, Tina knew something was different when she felt the green-eyed monster of jealousy gnawing within her whenever Dale would pay special attention to other girls. She dared not tell Dale about these feelings though. Evidently, Dale did not notice when Tina began to dress more carefully on days she would see him, nor did he notice her not-so-casual attempts at flirting. On the other hand, Dale often made a special effort, or so it seemed, to sit with Tina during classes, and he often shared his deepest feelings with her.
One day, Dale was having lunch with Tina, as he often did. Dale casually said, "Tina, I need your expert opinion about a girl problem." Tina was sure that Dale was about to ask her for a date. Actually, what happened next knocked the wind out of Tina's romantic sails. Dale went on to explain how he was feeling very attracted to another girl — a feeling like he had never experienced for any girl before. And to add insult to the injury, Dale wanted Tina to give him advice on how to "win over" this other girl. Tina's dilemma is not unusual.
A common phrase heard among dating couples is, "We're not dating; we're just friends." Another familiar comment I hear is, "We broke up, but we're still friends." And still a third statement often given by youth advisors to would-be dating couples is, "Be friends first."
I believe romance and friendship are wonderful, yet different from each other. And when the two are confused, young people suffer. I've seen far too many "friendships" and "romances" ruined because the individuals involved failed to understand these following principles.
Let's examine some of the similarities and differences between romance and friendship.
1. Friendship is that loyal commitment to unselfishly meet the needs of another person without expecting the same in return. You can be a friend to someone without that person being a friend to you. Of course, nothing is quite as wonderful as being a friend to someone who is also a friend to you.
2. Romance is that "chemistry" that excites and thrills the senses and emotions, that "energy" of a dating couple which attracts and pulls them toward each other and ultimately, toward marriage. Romance is the fuel of a good marriage. It is emotional gasoline that warms the heart and ignites the passion. Romance is the mystique that intrigues the other person.
3. Dating is the awkward attempt to blend romance and friendship.
4. Friendship can be almost totally unselfish; romance has expectations. One of the beauties of friendship is that one can be a friend without expecting or needing that friendship returned in a similar fashion; however, romance most definitely expects a response.
Often I am asked by young men what they should look for in a girl. My answer is "positive response." If a man asks a lady for a date, he wants a positive response. If he sends a gift, he anticipates a thank-you note. If a girl says "no" to a mans s invitation for a date, the romance is stifled and may have reached a dead end. If a friend does not receive a positive response, the friendship does not necessarily suffer.
5. Friendship can be based almost purely on self-sacrifice. The energy of friendship is self-sacrifice in order to meet the needs of the friend, and while a dating couple should certainly be attentive to each other's needs, romance thrives on the energy of mutual enjoyment and returned favors or expressions of affection.
6. Friendship can share its friends with other friends, but romance is very exclusive and possessive. A friend may very often introduce his friend to other friends of his, knowing full well that these introductions might well lead to additional friends for his friend. It is highly unlikely that a boy would introduce his girlfriend to other boys with the hopes that his friends would date his girl.
7. Friendship can exist if only one person wants it to exist. That is impossible in a dating relationship. Romance demands mutual consent and mutual response.
8. Friendship makes no demands and has no expectations; hence, friendship rarely disappoints either friend. Suppose that John and Bill are good friends. John invites Bill to lunch; however, John forgets the invitation and fails to show. Because John is Bill's friend, Bill quickly forgives and forgets the matter with no need of an explanation from John.
However, let's suppose that John dates Mary. John invites Mary to lunch and then fails to show. Mary wants a good explanation and a nice gift to calm her hurt feelings. Take this one step further for illustration's sake. Suppose that John marries Mary. Mary prepares a lovely dinner for John, but John becomes absorbed in his work and does not come home that evening. In fact, John does not come home for two days. I guarantee that Mary is not keeping dinner warm. John will have a heap of explaining to do, and it will probably be several days or weeks before she gets over what her "friend" did to her.
Now, of course, I am not advocating a thoughtless, careless attitude in either friendship or romance. I am simply showing a major difference between the two — a difference that brings confusion and frustration to dating couples who mistakenly run their romance as though it were a friendship when it is not.
9. Friendship operates on character; romance needs "atmosphere." Friendship remains loyal and strong whether the body odor is Chanel #5 or bad breath #2. Romance relies upon candlelight dinners, telephone calls, stuffed animals, and moonlighted evenings with soft music. Friendship is constant on hot days and cold nights, sharing boring labor, or exchanging sleepy yawns.
10. The goal of friendship has been reached In having the friendship.
11. The goal of romance should be to add to it the character of friendship.
12. Most couples who say they are "just friends" have one person in that relationship who feels much more romantic" than 'friendly." And that is precisely where the damage can occur. I believe that it is theoretically possible to be friends with members of the opposite sex. I also know from much counseling that it is extremely rare. There's a "chemistry" that exists between members of the opposite sex, especially when they spend considerable time together in common pursuits and interests.
The majority of married couples with whom I have counseled on the matters of adultery and extramarital affairs would all agree that their affair began as a simple "friendship" which quickly accelerated into romance. Actually, they never had a real friendship. They simply held their romantic notions in check and eventually found opportunity to release their romantic feelings.
Again, let me say that I believe it is possible to have a sincere friendship with other married couples; but never, never, never would I advise couples to spend considerable amounts of time exclusively with one another. They are simply going to prove this chapter correct and find that their friendship was more of a romance.
Too often the boy and girl who are still "friends" even though they've broken up feel bitterness or extreme disappointment toward their "friend." They never were friends and are not friends now. They are simply suffering the emotional devastation of romantic loss.
At a time when many teens should be building friendships with girls and boys together, there is often the pressure to enter a highly romantic relationship. Remember that romance is the energy of marriage, and when you add romance to a simple friendship, you no longer have a simple friendship. You now have a complicated premarital relationship that is far too advanced for young teens.
Let me encourage you younger dating couples in your early and middle teens to keep your dating "friendly" and casual. Be friends without getting really serious. If you get too serious and spend too much time on the telephone or together, you will probably start fussing with each other and ruin a lovely friendship. After a couple of years of just knowing each other and spending some time together on youth activities and casual dates, you may want to enter a more serious dating relationship.
But remember: Once you start serious and regular dating, your friendship will change, and you will have entered the romance stage. Very likely the two of you will never again be "just friends."
Dating from a Distance
The romantic poet wrote, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." May I add, "It also causes some to wander." Nothing can be quite as exasperating as trying to keep a healthy dating relationship when there are many miles and months separating the two of you. Absence is often unavoidable. Yet there are several ideas I would like to offer here that can help promote your relationship over the miles.
1. Maintain the same dating schedule you had when you were together. As near as is possible, you spend the same amount of time at the same time of the week and day "dating" by means of letter writing, phone calling, mentally planning, and mentally remembering as you spent with each other when you were together.
For example, if you had two dates each week, you should spend two separate occasions each week, preferably at the same times, reliving the memories of specific dates, planning ideas for new dates, writing a letter to your date, or talking on the phone to your date.
It's tragic how quickly we forget people who are seemingly very important to us. This is because we do not schedule time for them into our lives. If I made time for someone in my life when their presence was with me, why should I not make time for them in their absence? They are no less worthy or important simply because their body is not physically near me. By the way, if I schedule time to call, write, think, and remember my date, I won't waste my time daydreaming constantly about them. Nor will my heart drift away from them from disinterest or neglect. 2. Spend time mentally dating. Some people ask me, "What do you do for an hour on a 'date' when the person you want to date is far away?" Quite simple. Take an imaginary date in your mind. Plan an actual date in your mind, where you would go, what you would eat, the words you would say, etc. Then, write a lengthy, detailed letter outlining your imaginary date to your date. You would be amazed how close you can feel toward someone after you have spent an hour with them in your thoughts.
3. Be more creative in your expressions. How you say something is as important as what you say. You must convey your smile, voice inflection, and the sparkle in your eye through the mail, the phone, or your voice. Be careful about talking on the phone late at night or longer than 30 minutes. Under those circumstances, it is difficult to not sound fatigued or bored. Be fresh and positive in your conversations and letters. Bad news is magnified over distance. Be a spark plug, not a wet blanket.
Thoughtful gifts such as humorous cards, personalized mugs, flowers, inexpensive games, a good book, a favorite candy bar, a telegram, a Christian music tape, a souvenir, a homemade card or baked goods — all of these are great ideas.
4. The secret is to convince your date you are thinking of them even when you are not together. On several occasions when I was engaged, I would leave my fiancée after a date, stop half-way home and call her at her house. She could hear the traffic in the background as I spoke from a roadside phone booth. She would ask if something were wrong, but I would quickly say, "I had a great time tonight, and I just won't be able to get you off my mind." Then, without waiting for her response, I would hang up.
Often I will have a sweet thought about my wife. I will note the exact time, write her a brief note telling her of the sweet thought, and tell her what day and time it is. I will then mail this note to her even though I could obviously bring it home with me. This lets my wife know that I was thinking of her while we were apart.
5. Plan your telephone conversations, and limit them to less than 30 minutes. Frequent, long telephone conversations can be dangerous to a relationship. Too often, the wrong message can be given or received. Unplanned conversations can often lead to topics of intimacy or negativism.
Make a brief outline of the positive highlights of your day and week and share those. It is far better to end a conversation on a high note with a brief call than to have a lengthy talk that is boring, uneventful, negative, or depressing.
Let your date know how long you may talk, and stay within your limits.
6. Don't resort to discussing intimate topics in order to keep the romance strong. If you must use intimate language or passionate expressions to "spark" the conversation, something is wrong with the relationship. It's never right to do wrong, not even to win a person's heart. If there is not a natural charm, don't manufacture an artificial one.
7. If you live far away from each other, do not plan an overnight visit unless you have already entered the "I love you" stage. Visiting your date's hometown sends a very strong message of commitment. Be sure the commitment is properly secured before sending such a signal.
Spending a few days with your date also greatly accelerates your relationship. Propriety and ethics demand that such trips be reserved for couples who are quite serious in their relationship.
Let me strongly caution you that should you plan such a trip, do not stay at the same house together. The temptations of intimacy are just much too great to spend the evenings sleeping at the same residence.
8. Do not advance to the next stage of dating in order to "keep" the relationship. Mark and Debbie dated quite steadily throughout their senior year of high school. They were a good couple and had a steady relationship. After graduation, Mark decided to go to a trade school while Debbie felt led to go to a Christian college.
Mark feared he would lose Debbie to another guy, so he asked Debbie to take his class ring and promise not to date any other guys at college. Unwisely, Debbie agreed. At college, Debbie met a wonderful young man. In her heart, she knew that she was not ready to be "serious" with Mark. She had made a mistake taking Mark's ring, and the guilt of wanting to date another man while "going steady" was simply too much pressure.
Personally, I think it very wise for college students to date at the college where they are attending. One of the most important reasons for going to a college is to find God's choice mate for your life. Unless you are engaged or very serious with someone not attending your college, you should date students where you are attending.
By the way, when I say that you should date students at the college where you are attending, I mean a fundamental, Bible-believing, soul-winning, separated, Christian college operated by a local New Testament church. I have gone soul winning on state university campuses. What goes on at those campuses is not fit for an animal. Drinking parties, explicit sexual acts, illegal drug parties, vulgar language, humanistic and anti-Christian teaching, co-ed dormitory housing, and scores of other ungodly practices make it unwise to attend a state college or university, especially as a dormitory student.
Again, I realize that not all of our fundamental young people will enter the ministry, and I do not have a problem with that. I believe all honest work is sacred. However, I would strongly discourage an education at a state college, state university or a compromising Christian college.
For those who insist on attending a secular college, I always urge them to choose one located by a red-hot, soul-winning church, to get very involved in the ministries of that church, and not to live in the dormitories.
Distance and time place unusual pressures on dating relationships. Often, a couple realizes they do not have much depth to their relationship, or they come to understand that there is no future to their relationship. In those cases, there is a proper way to end the relationship. (See Chapter 15 on "Breaking Up.")
On the other hand, many fine couples neglect their relationship and allow it to decay and die through lack of character and creativity. Follow the eight steps listed above, and seek the advice of your parents and pastor.
What Not to Look for in a Guy by Cindy Hyles Schaap
Often after I have counseled a dating couple or married couple, I will express to my husband how rare it seems that people find that one special person who God has for them. There tends to be a very haphazard way in which we choose our mates. So much of the success of our marriage stems from the certainty that we have found that uniquely chosen person for us.
With this in mind, let me give you eight things not to look for in a man. 1. Someone who does not walk closely with the Lord. Most likely you will not find someone who has perfect character or who is a perfect Christian, but if that person knows and loves the Lord and has enough character to walk consistently with Him, growth will take place.
However, if there is no relationship with or love for the Lord, the basic ingredient for growth is missing. Beware of the young man who seems disinterested in preaching and in spiritual things. A lot of good girls get involved with guys like this thinking they will be able to change him.
Well-intentioned counselors may tell her she won't be able to do so, but her thoughts are, "I'm different. He'll love me more than anyone. I'll wrap him around my finger, and then he'll change." That girl is sadly disillusioned. There is no girl alive, no matter how charming, who has the power to change a man spiritually. This is something only the Holy Spirit can do. I'm thankful for a husband who has a deep affection for the Lord that I love. Through Christ we share a spiritual oneness that keeps marriage exciting as the years pass. I feel so secure as I see him consistently seeking the Lord for help as he strives to be the head of our home. 2. Someone who is a "womanizer. "Again, good girls too often take on this kind of a guy because of the challenge. She may feel that she is the right girl who has finally come along to settle him down. The Holy Spirit is the only One who can deliver a guy from the sin of lying to one girl while he has several "on the string."
Many times this kind of a guy is looking for a perfect girl (though he is usually very far from perfect himself). While a couple is dating, it is easy for a girl to imagine that she could be perfect, but when marriage begins, imperfections will show. It is then that a young wife longs for someone to overlook her faults. A man who is a womanizer is unable to do this.
3. Someone for whom you have sympathy. The mother instinct in a girl often causes her to feel attracted to a guy because of sympathy. Sympathy may feel like romantic love, but it is not a good foundation for a marriage. As a general rule, if you feel sorry for a guy, stay away from him — especially if you feel sorry for him because of his spiritual condition.
In such cases, it is best for the girl to realize he chose to be where he is spiritually, and she had better let a less vulnerable person minister to his needs. 4. Someone who is not truthful. If you catch a young man lying to you, he should be removed from your list immediately. It is impossible to open up and share with someone you do not trust. A liar cannot be intimately close to anyone.
5. Someone who is not good to his mother. A young man learns how to love from his mother; therefore, he will treat his wife much like he treats his mother. Proverbs 15 :20b tells us that, "a foolish man despiseth his mother. "Foolish men do not make good husband material.
On the other hand, a young man who is thoughtful of his mother is learning how to be thoughtful of his wife. Even a young man who has an unloving mother should keep his heart right toward this very important person in his life, not only for the sake of his mother, but especially for the sake of his future wife and himself.
As for me, marrying a man whose father I admire has been a blessing to me. My husband has turned out to be very much like him. Look for a man whose heart is right toward both mother and father.
6. Someone who does not share your goals and convictions. Shared goals and convictions bring intimacy to a relationship and allow a marriage to remain exciting for many years. Some of my fondest memories so far in my marriage have come from the hours my husband and I have spent discussing shared goals and dreams.
Our goals have not always been identical, but have gradually grown together as one. Nevertheless, we were definitely going the same direction from the beginning of our relationship, and this has made our growing transition a more smooth and pleasant one.
It is especially impossible for a married couple to be intimate when they disagree on convictions. Every young lady should know what her convictions are and date only young men whose convictions are in agreement with her own. Preferences, of course, will vary, but convictions should not.
7. Someone whose past is not similar to your own. As a senior in high school, I began to express a desire to attend another Christian college in a distant state. My dad said that would be fine with him, but he wanted me to consider one thing. He said if I attended our church's own local college, I would be more likely to find a young man whose past was similar to my own.
Because of this advice, I felt God leading me to Hyles-Anderson College where I did find His choice — a young man with goals, convictions, and a past very similar to my own.
Though a godly young person should never look down on a person with a less godly past, still it only makes sense that a person who has kept themselves pure and clean should look for a person who has also saved themselves for them.
8. Someone of whom your parents and spiritual leaders do not approve. When I was steadily dating my future husband as a freshman in college, my dad sat me down and told me that he thought Jack and I were in love. My mother also seemed to have a peace about our relationship.
This was quite a switch, because many times in my high school days I had tried to convince my parents that I really cared for the person I was dating, but they were never really persuaded. When Jack came along, they were not only persuaded, they were trying to convince me.
Not long after, some of my college staff and faculty members whom I admired began to tease me about being in love. Thus, I learned an important lesson about finding God's will and the right guy: God's will is not usually found in neon lights in the sky, but rather in the peaceful knowing expressions of our authorities.
God leads young people through their parent's approval. Parents do not have to be perfect to be able to discern God's will for their children's lives. God gives wisdom to parents because of their position not necessarily their condition.
It is also very wise to seek advice from your spiritual leaders — your pastor, your youth director, your college teachers, and others.
Thus, my parent's approval was the most important element in helping me to find the "right kind of guy." I'm grateful they were there to help me make one of the biggest and best decisions of my life. And I'm grateful to my husband, Jack Schaap, for being that "just right kind of guy."
Breaking Up
Chances are, it's going to happen at least once. You're in a relationship that's headed nowhere in the fast lane. For one or more reasons, you know you must break up, but just how do you go about doing it?
1. First, confirm your decision with your parents and spiritual advisors. If you're getting the idea as you read this book that I am a believer in getting advice from the right people, you're absolutely right! To be sure, you are capable of making some good decisions on your own, but face it, you have never been down the path of life before, so you don't know all the pitfalls. It's strange to me, but when young people must make the most important decisions of their life, they have the least amount of wisdom. Yet, older people who seldom need to make any "big" decisions have the greatest amount of wisdom. Perhaps God is trying to tell young people to "borrow" the wisdom of older people.
2. Plan an appropriate time and place to break the news to your date. A fairly quiet and secluded place with sufficient time to explain your side and to allow your date time to recover is best. Don't just "pop" it on them at the beginning of a class or right before they walk into teen choir.
3. Prepare your words carefully. Proverbs 25:11 says that well-chosen words are like, "apples of gold in pictures of silver. " That's a pretty way of saying that it is vital for you to use the right words. 4. Speak kindly and slowly, gently yet seriously. This is not a time to be humorous or hurried. You may feel embarrassed or nervous, but take your time to say what you had planned to say without rushing through a canned speech. 5. Start by thanking them for the great times you enjoyed and the happy memories you made together. No matter how sour the relationship has become, at one time you thought enough of that person to ask her out or to say "yes" to him. You also probably shared some fun or interesting times together.
6. Do not blame the breakup on God. You got into this relationship on your own two feet, now stand up like a real man or lady and be decent about the matter. Have the courage to do what's right without making it look like you really want to keep the relationship going. Statements like "but God just won't let me" or "I'm afraid it's just God's will we break up," are a cop-out.
7. Do not blame the breakup on your parents or anyone else. If you are breaking up because your spiritual authorities advised you to do so, simply say, "I believe the right thing to do is to break up. While I have sought good counsel about this matter, the final decision is mine.
8. Be honest without being rude. If you're planning to date someone else shortly after you break up, don't lie by saying that you are not going to date anybody for a long time. On the other hand, don't explain how much you like someone else and want to break up so you can date that person. You don't need to explain all the reasons why you are breaking up, nor do you need to make up an excuse for the breakup.
9. Do not give hope for putting things together in the future. Breaking up means that you are canceling your future together, not simply postponing it. On occasion, parents or pastors may advise you to break up for a few months to sort out some problems. In such cases, you could tell your date those details. Perhaps you could say something like, "My parents have asked me to consider breaking off our relationship for a few months for some good reasons. I agree with them, but I also have their approval to reconsider our future after three months."
10. Don't get into an argument When you first sit down to talk, ask for ten minutes to talk without interruption. If your date tries to argue with you, stay calm and stick with your planned words, but by all means, do not raise your voice and argue with them.
11. Don't let your emotions talk you out of your decision. You will probably feel sorry for the other person, but don't let sorrow keep you together. Sympathy is a poor glue for a healthy relationship.
12. Don't promise to remain friends. Dating is not true friendship anyway. (See Chapter 12, "Friendship or Romance.") You won't remain good friends. Within a few months, you will both be absorbed in other relationships. It is true that you will always carry a part of that relationship with you through life, but couples who break up simply do not stay close.
13. Leave on good terms. Be a Christian gentleman or a Christian lady. Don't storm off irate or angry. Thank the person again for making room in his or her life for you, tell the person you appreciate the money, gifts, etc. he or she spent on you.
14. It is generally proper that you return any personal items given to you such as class rings, letter jackets or sweaters, etc. However, other gifts of jewelry, plants, pictures, cards, letters, and suchlike may be kept unless these items are specifically asked for by the person formerly dated. It is probably not in good taste to ask for the return of such gifts.
15. Don't try to keep the relationship alive after you have broken up. Let it end gracefully. If after several months or years things change, you may want to start dating that person again. However, once it is over, leave it alone. Of course, that does not mean you cannot speak to the person. Always be kind toward everyone. It is most proper to greet the person and to treat them with the dignity and respect you would show anyone you have known for some time.
16. It is normal and proper to feel a sense of loss and sadness after you break up. A young man asked me how he could quickly get over the hurt of having just broken up. I told him not to try to get over it. The hurt and pain you feel are good indicators that you are a real person who had sincere feelings for that person. Pain tells me I had something for which it was worth hurting.
One at a Time, Please
In an attempt to keep young dating couples from becoming too serious with one another, sincere people including parents, youth directors, and teenage counselors often give the advice to "date around." Tom and Elizabeth had been dating casually for nearly six months. They only dated twice each month, yet Elizabeth's parents were afraid she might become too serious with Tom. It was not a fear that Tom was a bad person; it was simply a concern about her "settling down" with one guy. Elizabeth's parents advised her to date around. Well, before too many days, another young man asked her for a date. She accepted reluctantly. She dated the second guy only occasionally —just enough to satisfy her parents. Of course, this did not sit well with Tom. He came to see me to find out what could be done about this problem.
Tom and Elizabeth's problem is quite common. Let's examine this idea of "dating around."
1. As a general rule, it is best not to settle down seriously with the first person you date. It is highly unlikely that your first love is the right love. I am certainly not inferring that the first person you date is the wrong one. That would be foolish. I am saying that it is extremely rare and unusual that the first person you like will be the one you will many.
2. A person should not feel he must date many people to know what he wants. Dating is highly overrated. There are just as many people happily married who dated only a few people as there are those who dated many different ones. There is no special reward for dating the most people. A friend of mine dated over 100 different girls. He still needed the advice from his pastor and parents when he met number 101 to help him decide whether or not she was the right one. All he succeeded in doing was in spending more money, and riding the emotional roller coaster more times than those who dated three or four girls.
3. A person should not date more than one person at a time on a regular basis. Certainly, dating on a very casual basis could include two or more different people. My advice would be to have three to six dates with the same person, after which you would decide to either stop dating that person or to continue dating that person on a fairly regular basis. (See Chapter 1, "Starting Right.") This does not mean you would be "going steady." It simply means you would not be confusing the relationship by bringing more people into it.
Let me elaborate a bit more. A young lady should not date a guy who is dating another girl on a regular basis. On the other hand, a young man should not feel threatened if his casual girlfriend goes on a date with another guy. Often a girl does so at the urging of her parents. These problems can usually be solved simply by talking with the parents and her spiritual advisors.
4. "Dating around" forces unhealthy competition. I like competition in the right areas. Sports, Sunday school contests, spelling bees, etc. are all healthy and fun, but competing for the affectionate love and attention of a person is unscriptural and cruel. God does not want to compete with anyone or anything for my affection. He does not want me to have any other gods. "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." (Exodus 20:3) He wants me to love Him with all of my heart. ..... Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." (Matthew 22:3 7) Dating is preliminary to marriage, and marriage is symbolic of my relationship to God. I do not believe that God is pleased when I make several people compete for my attention, time, and love.
People are too important for me to treat them as a contestant in a race for my love. I dislike acting as a judge deciding who was nicest, loveliest, or kindest of the many I dated that week. You're not hiring a secretary or an employee. You are choosing a mate of God's choosing.
5. It is very possible to "fall in love" with more than one person. If you don't believe that, ask King Solomon, or ask any Mormon who has several wives. Polygamous dating does not breed monogamous marriages. For every couple who told me they were dating around to keep from becoming too serious with one person, I have counseled twice as many who have "fallen in love" with two or three people they are dating at the same time.
6. The major reason for dating around is the absence of parental involvement in dating. The Biblical principle is for parents to play a major role in the selection of a mate.
7. On the rare occasions when I might counsel a person to date around, it is to young teens (pre-college) who tend to become serious with the first person they date or with every person they date. My own opinion is that a teenager like that is not mature enough for serious dating and shouldn't be dating at all.
8. God has one special person for you to marry. Dating many different people will not reveal His will more clearly. Dating around is man's way of eliminating prayer, fasting, walking with God, and the seeking of godly counsel.
Games Dating Couples Play
"Lovest thou me more than these?"
In every relationship there is a struggle to win. No man wants to be handed a victory without the struggle of competition and the strength necessary to win it, whether it's a game of "21" in basketball or a game of monopoly. Especially is this true when it comes to relationships. Men do not want to be handed a relationship without their earning it or "winning" it. In particular, this would mean there must be a certain resistance, held in check by wisdom, on behalf of the young lady. A man dating a girl wants to feel like he's won her without her overpowering him and thus rejecting his manhood, nor by handing herself to him without any contest. When a man begins to show interest, there is a tendency to pursue the man and help him too much to win her. This is particularly evident in older single ladies (in their late 20's and 30's) who are very eager to marry.
Tension or resistance in a relationship is necessary for both parties to prove their worth to themselves and to each other. A real man and a real lady desire to marry somebody of equal character and ability. Nobody wants to marry somebody who dwarfs him or whom he dwarfs — either intellectually, spiritually or emotionally.
That is why it is necessary for Christians to mature properly and completely, meaning in all areas, before they take their vows in marriage. And that is why it is vital in a dating relationship that there be the probing and testing of strength in order to measure and determine the character level in various areas of a relationship.
The reasoning is quite simple. The wedding vows imply a lifelong commitment to an unseen future based entirely upon a track record of relatively short endurance. In other words, the young couple is making a commitment that expressly states they are promising to remain faithful and committed to that marriage relationship, even if something tragic should occur such as poverty, ill health, or a breakdown in their partner. And that relationship could be 50 or more years in duration while their knowledge of that person to whom the commitment is being made is perhaps 18-36 months long.
Melissa came to me and asked, "Why doesn't Roy ask me out anymore? Our dates were very fun, and I felt he enjoyed himself."
I checked with Roy and found out what I suspicioned was true. Roy answered, "Brother Schaap, I cannot think of any reason why I should not date Melissa. She is attractive, we get along well, and I admire her character and testimony. There's just one thing that bothers me;" Roy added, "After our first date, Melissa was constantly around me. She knew my daily schedule, and nearly everywhere I went, Melissa was there waiting for me. She was no challenge. I knew she wanted me, and I didn't even need to ask her out or win her to me." Roy added, "I just don't think I respect that in a girl."
Roy expressed the strange psyche of a man quite well. Personally, I find that women also have the same feelings. It is not just a man's problem; it is part of the nature of all humans — we enjoy most what we had to earn. Welfare dating is like welfare living — it does not build the dignity of mankind.
Here are a few simple thoughts:
1. Don't reveal too much of yourself too soon. In Proverbs, Solomon likens a person's wisdom and character to a deep well that requires an understanding person to draw it out. The implication is, "Don't be a shallow person whom everyone knows quickly.
Your flaws, past failures, insecurities, home life, ambitions, dreams, and personal life should be guarded and only revealed a little at a time, and only when you are confident that you and your date are steady and serious in your dating.
Have you ever gone to a party or spent considerable time with some friend and realized afterwards that you had exposed too much of your inner self to the crowd or to an individual? You felt vulnerable, and that is what you want to guard against when you date someone. Let them slowly and laboriously draw out of you what you are.
I don't mean you have to ignore their personal questions, but I would answer prudently and carefully, and not be quick to volunteer my personal life for any inspection.
I have nothing to hide, but my inner self is very private and sacred to me. I invite very few people into my private world, and you should do likewise.
In the Old Testament, the Israelites were commanded to build a tabernacle. Later, they also built a temple. In the New Testament, God likens our bodies and lives to the temple. The temple had three distinct parts — the outer courtyard, the holy place, and the most holy place.
Anyone was allowed to enter the outer courtyard; only priests were allowed to enter the holy place; and only the High Priest was allowed to enter the most holy place.
The application is beautiful. The outer courtyard of our life is our public life. We should be open and friendly to everyone we meet along our public journeys, such as in the hallways of church, school, at the grocery store, at the filling station, etc. Our holy place is our more private world of family and close friends. These are people we have grown up with or with whom we have worked closely and whom we trust through months and years of watching and knowing them. Our holy place is our home life, our thoughts, our feelings and our character.
Our most holy place represents our most intimate dreams, problems and expressions of love. Only one person should be allowed to know us on our most intimate level. This is the most trusted and most loved — our mate for life.
2. Do not discuss marriage or even hint of it too soon. It's always fun to play hinting games. Couples "hint" about their love, affection, and marriage. And that can be unwise. (Refer to Chapter Eight on this matter.) Hinting should only be used when it is almost time to enter the next stage of dating.
3. Don 't overreact to the insecurities or occasional withdrawing from you by your dating partner. There's an ongoing cat and mouse game that is used sort of like a "relationship sonar" to probe the substance and sincerity of your love.
Each of us goes through times when we need extra assurances from friends and family. Especially is this true with those we date and marry. Our insecurities and desires for intimacy cause us to send out verbal and nonverbal messages that are frequently misunderstood by those closest to us.
4. Don't measure your partner's love on every date.
5. Don't evaluate your own love on every date.
6. Don't feel insulted or rejected when your partner withdraws. Take it as a challenge to remain stable and unwavering.
7. Don't "smother" your partner when he withdraws. Again, the idea is to not overreact. Extra words of encouragement and love may be proper, but don't panic and lunge emotionally toward your partner. Your character is being inspected, not your panic button.
8. When you feel yourself withdrawing, do not speak of breaking up or dating someone else. You have the right to break up and date someone else, but please do not get into the habit of dropping one date for another just because you are going through a temporary period of inspection and probing.
9. If your partner does break the relationship, and you believe it is only because of this insecurity, do not insist he gets back with you, and do not date someone else. That will only drive them further away into confusion. Suggest to them first that both of you seek a counselor together. Second, suggest you stay apart for a few weeks (up to a couple of months) after which you will both rethink your relationship and consider getting back together.
10. Communication with each other is the secret. All relationships must be built and cemented together on the ability to talk through your feelings, doubts and confusion. The probing and resulting insecurity can usually be a great catalyst for learning more about each other and becoming closer.
11. Probing and testing accelerate after you enter the "I love you" stage and engagement stage of dating.
12. Probing and testing do not end with the wedding. Throughout life, you will need the reassurances of love from family and friends and they from you. It is part of a growing, maturing relationship. God probed the love of Abraham when He demanded that Abraham offer Isaac as a sacrifice.
Jesus Christ probed the love of Peter when He quizzed, "Lovest thou me more than these?"
It is not a sin to probe and investigate. It is part of the eternal nature of God and the human nature of man to receive and give love and to earn or win the affection of others.
Mature love deals wisely and gently with the "games" of love. And mature love always wins.
Is Teenage Love Real Love? by Dr. Jack Hyles
"Oh, that's just puppy love."
"I felt that way about a lot of boys when I was your age."
"You'll get over that, it's just a passing thing."
"I know how you feel; I was your age once."
"You're not old enough to love really; it's just teenage infatuation." These are statements every teenager has heard many times, and most teenagers hate to hear them. A few days ago I was talking with one of our teenagers, and this subject was brought up. The young lady asked me if a teenager could have real love or is it true that all love by teenagers is puppy love? I answered that I definitely believe that a Christian teenager can have real love. I do not agree for a second that a teenager cannot have the real thing. I proceeded to talk with the young lady about teenage love. Now, I am not talking just about love for a boyfriend; I'm talking about love for God, love for friends, and, yes, love for a boyfriend or for a girlfriend. I do believe that a teenager can have the real thing.
What is the difference between the love of a teenager and the love of an adult? The difference is only in the quantity, not necessarily in the quality.
Several years ago when Cindy (our youngest daughter) had just entered her teen years, she asked in a private conversation late one night if a teenager could have real love. "Yes, sweetheart, a teenager can have real love."
"Then why can't a teenager get married?" she asked.
I pulled myself together, walked over to the kitchen cabinets, opened one of the cabinet doors, and removed two glasses. One was an iced tea goblet and the other was a small juice glass. I filled them both with water and asked, "Cindy, what is in this tall glass?"
She replied, "Water."
I then asked, "What is in the short glass?"
She replied, "Water."
Then I explained to her how the chemical ingredients were the same. Each glass contained water. The water in each glass was made of two parts of hydrogen and one part of oxygen. It was exactly the same. I said, "Cindy, this is a picture of teenage love and adult love. The teenager may have the real thing, but since he is not completely mature yet, his glass is smaller. If he would become married, he could no doubt present real love to his wife or she to her husband, but it would be a small glass instead of a large glass. Hence, because it is real love, the wise teenager will choose to wait until he has the larger glass before he presents himself in marriage to the one whom he loves."
Many times I ask young folks to wait to get married until they are out of their teens. This does not mean that it is impossible for them to love the young man or the young lady with real love. It does mean that it would be better for them to wait until they have more love to offer each other. This is why the writer wrote, "More love to Thee, 0 Christ." He did not write, "Better love to Thee, 0 Christ." To be sure, there are many people who have "puppy love," infatuation, etc., but these people can be adults as well as teens. All of us need to be sure that we examine our love for its quality, but this examination should not be conducted only by teenagers; it should be conducted by people of all ages. Yes, teenager, your love for Christ, for your family and for your friends may be immature, but it does not have to be. You can love Christ with a love as real as the love I have for Him. You have the privilege before you of having your cup grow larger so that you can give to love's objects even more of that pure love which you now have.
This means that teenagers should refrain from certain expressions of love such as holding hands, kissing, embracing, becoming engaged, getting married, etc. until they have as much love as possible to offer love's object. It does not mean, however, that we should minimize the love of a teenager because the quantity is not at its fullest.
To Those Engaged
A wise man once said that the mark of maturity in a young couple was their ability to keep their head while they were in love. The stereotyped image we have of engaged couples is two people running in slow-motion toward each other in a field of wind-blown wildflowers, with their concentration solely on one another with absolutely no cares or concerns: pretty, but not totally accurate. Engagement is often a trying time of emotional highs and lows, insecure feelings, second guessing God's will, and testy relationships with Parents. Allow me to offer some practical help.
1. Don't neglect your family and friends. Sure, the only thing that matters is each other, but long before you two ever knew the other one existed your family and friends loved you and cared for you. They deserve to have a significant part in this wonderful time of your life. Include them in your dating, your planning, your dreams, and your schedule.
Parents especially need extra reminders of your love and affection. They are happy for you, but there is absolutely no way for you to know how much they love you and hurt at the thought of "losing" you. They will feel quite unneeded, unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, and unnecessary unless you make a double effort to convince them otherwise.
2. Schedule your wedding plans over the entire engagement Decide what plans you must make, and then do a few items on your list each month, rather than racing to accomplish everything during the first few weeks.
3. Take on some new outside interests personally. It is very easy for the engagement to become stale. You have talked about everything, planned your life together, tried every dating idea a dozen times; now it is time to work at being fresh and positive. Read a good book, try a new sport or hobby, meet some new friends, take on a new soul-winning ministry, but don't get in a rut of boredom.
During the last half of my engagement, I felt I needed a fresh activity to keep my mind stimulated and my time full. I was already a private airplane pilot, but I decided to take aerobatic flight instruction. This was new and exciting, and it gave me a diversion from the pressure of planning a wedding.
4. Don't get engaged more than nine months before your wedding date. Six months might be even wiser. You don't need to take eighteen months to plan your wedding. The preparations are not that time-consuming.
The engagement stage of dating is very temporary. For instance, you will never leave the "I like you" stage or the "I love you" stage of dating, or at least you shouldn't. But, the engagement stage is only temporary. You will always like and love your mate, but you will only be engaged for a little while.
It is easy; therefore, to get fussy, irritable, and overly anxious for the wedding day. This leads to serious problems which could have been avoided if you don't allow for a lengthy engagement.
5. Don't become too introspective during engagement. You have made your choice, now live with it. Certainly you sought the wise advice from both your parents and your pastor. Certainly you sought the Lord with prayer and fasting. Certainly you dated your fiancé (or fiancée) over a long time and in a variety of situations to become well acquainted with him/her. Now is not the time to reevaluate your choice. Never undo in doubt what you decided in faith. Now certainly, if you failed to follow the principles of counsel and prayer, then by all means get the matter settled before you many.
Far too many couples come to engagement confident that the Lord led them to each other only to break up out of fear and too much reconsidering after they got engaged. That is tragic!
6. Don't discuss the physical aspect of marriage more than a few weeks before the wedding. Certainly this is an important part of marriage, and one which, for a pure couple, holds a mystique. Questions regarding birth control methods, expectations for the honeymoon, and a few other basic topics might be discussed.
7. Read several good books on marriage during the engagement. Your pastor could recommend a list of books.
8. Decide what your belief and practice regarding birth control will be before the wedding day. Seek the good advice of your pastor and a good Christian doctor.
9. Decide how much you can afford for the wedding and honeymoon and don't go in debt. Your marriage will only suffer if you start off in debt.
10. Be extra-careful to keep yourselves pure. There is a strong temptation to justify impure behavior by saying you are getting married, and it won't matter if you sneak a little preview of marriage. But it will. Just decide to be pure all the way through to the wedding altar!
11. If at all possible, men, give your fiancée an engagement ring. A general rule of thumb is to spend approximately one month's salary on the ring.
12. Don't weigh your relationship every day. He asked you to marry him and gave you an expensive ring to show it. Now, don't make him prove it again every time you're together. She said "yes" to your offer; don't insist she bow and scrape for you. She's not your wife yet; don't treat her as such. She's not required to obey you as though she were your wife.
13. Have fun! The Lord willing, you will only be engaged once. Enjoy every day to the fullest. Let each day bring its own special flavor to your engagement. Have as your goal to live each day one at a time.
A Wedding Checklist
6-9 MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING
4-9 MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING
3 MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING
2 MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING
1 MONTH BEFORE THE WEDDING
2 WEEKS BEFORE THE WEDDING
1 WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING
1 DAY BEFORE YOUR WEDDING
THE WEDDING DAY At last the day has arrived! Calm yourself, pamper yourself, relax, and enjoy your wedding day!
Share a breakfast or a cup of coffee with your parents.
Speak to your fiancé/fiancée on the phone. (My traditional upbringing does not allow for the groom to see his bride before the wedding.)
Make a call or two to a friend, a special convert or a bus kid, or a close relative unable to come to the wedding.
Don't neglect your Bible and your Saviour on this day that symbolizes His love for you.
AFTER THE WEDDING
Marrying Into the Family
"For none of us
liveth to himself and no man dieth to himself"
"No man is an island unto himself," wrote the poet John Donne. None of us are self-made persons. I read once that 85 percent of what we are can be directly attributed to our parents. You may fall in love with one person, but when you marry that person, you will be expanding your circle of love to include that person's parents, siblings and friends. This can be a wonderful experience of broadening your love circle, or it can become a nightmare of petty jealousies and an emotional tug-of-war between a future daughter-in-law and mother-in-law or future father-in-law and son-in-law.
Some of my most complicated and difficult counseling sessions center around these conflicts with future in-laws. I would ask that those of you who are parents of children who are seriously dating or engaged as well as those couples who are seriously "in love" or engaged give special attention to this chapter.
Conflict with close friends, especially family, is usually a jealousy caused by fear or insecurity. There are many fears:
1. Fear of competing for love and attention. A dad feels he is "losing" the affection of his daughter to a young, inexperienced, unproven "boy." A boyfriend fears competing with her father's money and powerful position. A girlfriend feels she must compete in cooking and cleaning with her future mother-in-law.
2. Fear of losing control Parents especially feel this fear. For twenty or more years, they have exercised authority and control over where, when, and with whom their child went; and now, they are being forced to surrender their parental rights to this person for whom their child has fallen in love.
3. Fear of losing their unique role. Dad has been the only real man in his little girl's life; now, he's forced to make room for another man. Likewise, mother was the lady her little boy wanted to marry. She's cooked, diapered, fed, cleaned, loved, and cried for her precious little boy; and now some young, little thing thinks she can care for this boy better than his mother?!
4. Fear of rejection. "If her family doesn't accept me, she may have second thoughts about dating me," he reasons, and then he appears to avoid her family. This action creates some suspicion in her and her family and creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection fabricated only by fear.
5. Fear of failure. "What if we marry and our marriage fails?" This is especially common among those who come from broken homes themselves. They witnessed the breakup of their parents' marriage and feel condemned to copy what they witnessed.
Fear and jealousy reveal themselves In many faces.
(1) Postponing meeting your child's boyfriend/girlfriend or a boyfriend postponing meeting a girl's parents.
(2) Always wanting to be alone with the one you date at the expense of being with his/her family or friends.
(3) Overly-sensitive or easily irritated about affection bestowed on the person you're dating by his/her family. Perhaps her daddy is a hugger and each time he gives his daughter a hug, the boyfriend gets sullen or angry or he withdraws.
(4) Criticizing, nit-picking, and fault-finding of your girlfriend/boyfriend's family.
(5) Demanding "equal" time or equal affection.
May I offer some advice on how to avoid this jealousy and build a healthy relationship?
A. Each partner in a serious relationship must have a strong sense of direction and purpose in life. If a young man believes he has a divine purpose for being on this earth, he will be much less likely to feel he must compete with her father. The young lady who knows what a wife's purpose is will not feel as threatened by an over-protective mother as a girl who is only dating to prevent boredom or loneliness. Young lady, if you marry the boy, you have the noble purpose of making him succeed like he never would have had he only had his mother. You alone can make him what his mother only dreamed for him.
B. Allow your fiance/fincee to maintain a unique relationship with her loved ones. In fact, encourage it, promote it, and insist on it! You will get far more of what you want and need by doing so. Don't fight what your date is. If 85 percent of what he is can be traced to his parents, then most of what you like about him is because of the people toward whom you feel jealous.
C. Develop a unique relationship yourself with your date's family. It is not enough to maintain ties only through your date; you must build your own. Hobbies, sports, crafts, letters, phone calls, dinners and lunch dates, jobs, books, compliments, hunting, cooking, golfing, etc. are ways to build a relationship with his/her family. Find out what they enjoy and take the initiative to do it with them without your date being a part of it.
Let me illustrate. Notice that Mom and Dad have much in common.
Now, let's add you and your date. Circle I is you. Circle 2 is your Dad. Circle 3 is your date. Circle 4 is your Mom.
Notice each should have a private life alone. Also each should have a personal relationship with only one another. And each should have a personal relationship with all the others.
What I mean is this. My father-in-law and I enjoy a personal relationship with just the two of us. We philosophize, take trips, go for lunch, and enjoy many things in life apart from my wife or his wife. Likewise, Cindy and her dad and her mom enjoy a trio of each other's company on many occasions. Then, Mrs. Hyles and I enjoy phone conversations and letters and visits with just the two of us apart from my wife.
Of course, all four of us often enjoy each other's company as well, as we dine out together or share a holiday, or just sip a coke or coffee for a few minutes.
Then too, my wife has a special friendship with my dad and with my mom and with my sister that is unique. Their phone calls and visits and deep conversation often are totally exclusive of me in presence or thought.
I'm not threatened by that at all. To the contrary, I love it. I want very much for my wife to know and love the mother and father I dearly love, and I want very much to know and love the parents who loved and trained my wife to be everything I could want or need.
D. Schedule time for you, your date, and your date's family to be together. Many conflicts arise from "meddling" in-laws. Parents, when your children marry, keep out of their marriage! Children, when you fall in love, and become engaged and marry, schedule your families into your life. A schedule will eliminate most meddling. Draw up a schedule you both like, and then stick with your schedule, whether it's once a week or one time a month.
E. Never, never criticize your date's parents or family! Your date may criticize them, but you must not. It would be best to defend her parents to her. Take up their side, even if she's right. F. Compliment your date's family when you can do so in a sincere way.
G. Never compare your date or your date's family with your family. Also, be careful of comparing members of her family with other members of her family. Each person in her family holds a unique place in her life. Guard that place.
H. The greatest thing you can do to build yourself In the eyes of your date's family is to take very good care of your date. Respect, purity, attention to details, and protection are all good adjectives that should demonstrate your attitude and actions toward their son or daughter. Her family is probably not expecting you to be an extraordinary person. They do, however, consider your date to be worthy of extraordinary care. The best compliment you'll ever receive is when her family praises you to another member of her family.
Here's a few practical areas for which to watch, especially as you move into marriage.
Money — Don't be "mooching" from her family. Learn to live on what you make, and make it on your own.
Clothing — Keep your spouse well-dressed and neat in appearance.
Housing — Don't live in a "dump." It is better to wait to marry until you can afford a nice apartment or house.
Time — Do not be accused of being lazy or of not spending time at home. Woe to the man who marries and then spends his free time with his single buddies or vice versa with the wife.
Fidelity — No matter what anybody in their family history has done, that family has an image of honor they expect you to uphold.
I. In times of stress and pressure, you and your date will react like you were reared. "She's just like her mother," or "He's got a temper like his father." It's probably true. You are both learning new ways of coping with problems — not "her" ways nor "his" ways, but "our" way of dealing with the pressure. It's a new journey never before travelled by anyone. It's your own adventure, and you both must learn together how to become one.
J. A word of caution to parents. Please understand that when your child becomes an adult, your days offorcing your way are over. You had your opportunity to rear them as you felt you should. Now, it's time to let them live what you taught. You did not teach them perfectly, and they will undoubtedly make many errors of judgment and immaturity, but they must be allowed to grow into adulthood without your anger, nagging and constant correction.
They could move out and divorce you from their lives. They could run away and elope. I beg of you not to make the last few months you have together a bad experience.
If they are marrying someone less than the best, the only hope you have is to be close enough to them so that they will trust you and seek your loving wisdom. And if they marry unwisely, they will only need your wise and compassionate guidance when they run into trouble and hardship.
Be there for them. Don't smother them, but be their cheerleader. Believe in them! The confidence of your faith to believe in how you trained them is just what they need at this present time.
30-Something and Still Single
There are many wonderful Christian ladies whom I know who I believe would make very good wives and who desire very much to marry and build a family. For reasons which often only God knows, they remain single and confused. May I offer some gentle advice? 1. Be sure jealousy and envy toward your married or engaged friends does not find a lodging place in your heart. These are spiritual cancers that reveal themselves in subtle ways often noticed by spiritual men.
2. Find a godly counselor who willing to involve himself or herself in your search for the right man. You may need to make some changes, and you will need to trust the sometimes not-so-subtle advice of a wise person.
3. Realize that as you get older, your tastes become more defined, and you may find very few men "acceptable." This is frustrating to a counselor. Often, I arrange dates only to find an obstinate, highly-critical analysis from some older single person who ought to use wisdom and not selfishness in this critique. Date those people your counselor advises you to date and, by all means, reserve your judgment until after five or six dates with that person.
You need to borrow a little of the naive infatuation of eighteen year olds. Many adult singles have become so independent and self-sufficient that dating someone less than perfect appears to be a burden and intrusion into their secure lifestyle. That's the kind of selfish thinking that will keep you single or tempted to chase mature married men who appear to have it all together.
4. Look for a man with solid character but who is unpolished A stable man with grimy fingernails and frayed clothing, but who possesses a balanced checkbook and a steady job might shine up with the right woman polishing him. Again, don't look for a completed man. Look for the good man who needs a woman's touch.
5. If you are well into your adult singleness, I recommend that you choose the single life. Do not waste your years of health and strength with anger and resentment. Choose the life you've been handed and use it. Invest your life in others and, if it is God's will, He is more than able to bring across your path a man who needs the talents and skills you have developed.
Questions and Answers
"The preparations of
the heart in man,
The following questions came from high school and college-age dating couples. I would love to hear from you if you have a general dating question not found in this chapter. Of course, specific questions should be directed to your pastor or parents or counselor.
Question: What do you do when your dad is jealous of your boyfriend?
Answer: Don't talk about your boyfriend at home. If your dad brings up his name, don't comment. Ask Dad if you and he can have a "date" together somewhat regularly. Show your dad affection as you did when you were "his little girl." Be interested in your dad's work and hobbies. Brag on his strength and good looks. Don't compare him with your boyfriend.
Question: "Just because you are in love doesn 't mean that you should get married," is a statement I have heard preached. If God only has one perfect will for a mate, why does He allow people to have these feelings for just anyone? It seems that if He saved "falling in love " for just the one person you're supposed to marry, it would make finding that person a lot easier.
Answer: The Bible says that Solomon loved a thousand women. It is very possible to "fall in love" with many people. Love is a decision, and married love is a decision to love only one person. You date to confirm or dismiss a particular person as being worthy of that love.
Question: What is the outcome of dating someone of a different religion, such as a Baptist dating a Catholic?
Answer: Heartache, frustration, confusion, parents who are angry and hurt, a broken-hearted pastor, confused children and a home that is not built on a solid foundation is the outcome.
Question: What can you suggest to help someone who has a great fear of dating?
Answer: Well, if you are a boy, I suggest you take a girl to a larger social activity where you won't feel the pressure to plan the date or to keep the conversation going. Double dates also help as you can learn by observing other couples.
If you're a girl, you can keep in mind that the boy wouldn't have asked you out if he didn't want to be with you. I would imagine your fear is from inexperience. The right boy with a well-planned date will remove your fears after a couple of dates. Everybody is a little scared at first. But, that's part of the dating game.
Question: What should I do when I like a girl but another boy likes her too?
Answer: If they are not dating and if he's not your best friend, ask her out. If he's your best friend, you might want to wait it out or talk it over with him, though you might not be very happy with the conversation.
Question: Is it good to play hard to get?
Answer: I don't particularly like it. The opposite is worse, however. I like a girl who is classy without being snobbish, and fun without being flirty. If a boy asks you out and he's the right kind of boy, say "yes." And then don't hang around him waiting for the next invitation.
Question: Is it proper for the girl to initiate praying before a date?
Answer: I don't think so. If the two of you occasionally pray together, and you have a particular burden or prayer request, you could ask him to pray for you. If he never prays with you, ask him if he would consider putting something on a prayer list that is of concern to you, i.e., a family member, a new convert, a bus kid and so forth. A sharp young man will probably offer to pray about it with you right there.
Question: Is it all right for a couple to discuss one of his/her problems that are not related to their relationship since a couple should mainly want to be positive and not negative?
Answer: I would have to know the topic of the problem to answer more wisely, but as a general rule, dating is about two unique people learning to communicate well. That would certainly include each person's unique perspectives on life and their related experiences in life.
Question: Is it necessary to be dressed up when you are around a boyfriend such as at school? Or should you only dress up when you are on a date?
Answer: How you dress should fit the occasion. Obviously, you have school clothes and "Sunday dress clothes." Also, I'm sure you have sportswear. All these are acceptable as long as they are appropriate for the event or activity or plan for the date. I would avoid sloppy clothing to show your respect for your date.
Question: In a dating relationship, can there be too much fun and not enough serious time?
Answer: Certainly! But I wouldn't worry about it until you have dated two to three months. If by then you do not feel there is enough serious time, bring it up for discussion. The "fun" might be a cover for his/her introverted personality.
Question: If your parents have a different opinion on dating than your pastor, with whose opinion should you go?
Answer: The stricter of the two. Ultimately, your parents have the final word in your life if you live at home, or if they support you financially in college.
Question: How can you express to your boyfriend that you care for him — besides just doing things for him?
Answer: Brag on his character and spiritual works. Give him your undivided attention when he is talking to you. Be present at important events in his life and the lives of his family (if invited).
Question: When dating, should you look for someone whose personality is totally opposite or very much like your own? Should this be based on the kind of person with whom you get along best?
Answer: I would not look for any particular kind of personality. I would look for character and a good spirit. Personality is a bit like hair color or fingerprints. Everybody has his own, but I wouldn't go looking for a specific one.
Question: What do you do when you and your date have had a discussion about a previous problem, and it is fine; but afterwards someone else tells you a new angle to the problem? Should you talk to him about it to see if it is true?
Answer: Well-meaning friends seldom help a dating relationship. Decide whom your counselors will be, and ignore the advice from others. I do not give unsought advice nor do I receive it. I may smile agreeably, but I treat it like the proverbial water on a duck's back.
Question: What would you do if you're dating a good Christian girl with whom you have a great time, and quite possibly she is the one, but she does things that nag you? What is a nice way to tell her?
Answer: Learning how to communicate and talk through differences and problems is what serious dating is all about. Discussing negative issues is an art. First, choose a good time. Ask her if she would meet you at a convenient time to discuss a question you have. Secondly, tell her what you do like about her. Next, bring up the negative in the form of a question, not an accusation. Fourth, give her time and attention to state her feelings. Fifth, thank her for being understanding and mature about the problem. And lastly, if you can't come to an agreement, agree to seek counsel together.
Question: There are two girls who pester me in front of my girlfriend to upset her. What should I do about this situation?
Answer: Welcome to the real world of politics and pressures of love! Real winners don't get angry at those who didn't race. I would avoid them and ignore them.
Question: What do you do as a girl who is really good friends with a guy, and he dates a girl who is jealous of your friendship?
Answer: This is painful in two ways. First, if you are good friends with this boy, there's a possibility you "feel" like he's more than just a friend. His girlfriend obviously suspects that, and her jealousy confirms it. Your hopes of dating him are crushed. Secondly, if you were sincerely just friends, your ethics must dictate backing off from the friendship to allow their dating relationship room to grow as they wish. The only way to win this is by great patience and making new friends.
Question: When is the immediate authority over a girl transferred from her father to her fiance?
Answer: Technically, it is transferred on the wedding day. Practically, it began when the couple realized they loved each other and knew in their hearts they would marry. The wise daddy gradually allows himself to lose the contest with his future son-in-law; and the wise son-in-law allows his future father-in-law to stay in control until the wedding day.
A fiancé should not presume he's in charge. He should still abide by family plans and schedules, obey curfews and chaperon rules. As in all authority situations, you are allowed to rule yourself the more you prove yourself capable to do so.
Question: In the case of high-school dating couples, is it too personal for the young man to buy a dress for his date?
Answer: Yes, I think clothing is too personal for high school students to purchase for one another regardless of how long they have been dating. As a general rule, I would not recommend a high-school dating couple to buy anything for each other that they would not consider buying for any other good friend in high school.
Question: What kinds of gifts would require the approval of your girlfriend's dad?
Answer: Jewelry and clothing are the most obvious. Of course, a boy should never be buying personal items for his girlfriend that only her parents and she should purchase. Generally, flowers, stuffed animals, decorations for her room and food are items that do not need her dad's approval. It might be wise to get her dad's approval before you purchase something expensive.
Question: If a couple should not spend unscheduled time together, what should you do when you see one another, and there is time for conversation? Should you walk away and risk being thought of as rude?
Answer: I'll give you two answers. (1.) Be looking daily for things you can talk about with your date. A joke, a story, a lesson from school, a sermon, a family anecdote, and a good book you are reading are some ideas. (2.) Talk for about 10-15 minutes and then leave. It is better to be brief and wonderful, than long and boring.
Question: What exactly does it mean to date someone who takes pride in his name?
Answer: By pride, I do not mean a superior attitude. I define it as respect and admiration for their family testimony and an attitude of concern to guard the honor and reputation of their parents and loved ones.
Question: How do you know if you are dating too seriously? If so, how do you slow the dating relationship?
Answer: Let me give you a little checklist.
If your answer is "yes" to one or all of these, you might very well be too close
To slow down, (1.) Express your concern to your girl/boyfriend. (2.) Suggest you put yourselves on a stricter and more limited dating schedule. (3.) Stop discussing intimate matters immediately. (4.) Ask your parents or pastor to monitor your relationship for a few months. (5.) Schedule your friends and family back into your life.
Question: How can a guy or a girl stay interested in each other and not get too serious?
Answer: Four things determine "staying interested." 1. Date a person you really want to get to know. 2. Date by schedule (not too often). 3. Have shorter dates rather than longer dates. 4. Have creative dates instead of boring dates where you do the same old things.
Question: How many dates should a college couple have every month if they are serious?
Answer: Here is how I would chart a normal relationship that lasts 24 months giving you the number of times per week that the couple meets. 1-3 months 1-2 dates per week 3-6 months 2-3 dates per week 6-12 months 3-4 dates per week 18-24 months 5-6 dates per week (engaged)
Of course, not all of these dates will be lengthy. Even engaged couples should limit their lengthy dates to 1-3 per week. The other times would include a brief lunch, a 30-minute walk, a 30-minute breakfast, a 1-hour activity, etc.
Question: Without her getting angry, how do you break up with a girl? Answer: I'm not sure it is possible to control the feelings of another person. If she really likes you and desires to continue the relationship, you may have to face her anger. Also, her anger shows a little of her immaturity. It would be understandable if she were upset, but her anger shows she does not have control of her emotions. It was probably a good thing you broke up.
Question: What do you do when a guy will not take "no"for an answer?
Answer: Tell your dad, and let him care for the matter. If you do not have a dad, tell your pastor or counselor. I have told many men "no" for several young ladies.
Question: Do you think teenagers should date in high school, and what do you think about dating around in high school?
Answer: I don't prefer it. (Please read my Preface to this book.) However, I won't change it, and have no desire to do so. What I do suggest and prefer is that high-school teenagers have many friends, some of both gender. I think it would be very appropriate to spend some time with just one of these friends on a non-regular, non-serious basis. I would not settle down with one steady date, but rather, I would seek the company of my friends as a whole and, on occasion, with each of them individually.
Obviously, you may find yourself having strong feelings for a certain person. That is normal and wonderful, but don't let it determine your social life. That kind of feeling may come and go for a number of different people throughout your teenage years. Reserve your steady and serious dating for your college days.
Question: What is your opinion of double-dating in high school?
Answer: If both sets of parents approve both couples, the date is well-planned, and the oldest couple is at least 18 years old, I could approve it.
Question: Is it too early to go steady in high school?
Answer: I think so, but I doubt if too many people agree with me unless they have counseled hundreds and thousands of couples as I have.
Question: What would be the correct response at the end of a date?
Answer: "Thank you very much. I enjoyed everything, especially (something unique to that date)," would be an appropriate statement. Then send a thank-you note or a card of gratitude.
Question: Would you consider sitting with a guy in church if he asked you just before the service?
Answer: If you are 14, 15, or 16 years old, probably not, unless your parents agree. If you are 21 or older, probably yes.
Question: How do you know if you are in love?
Answer: You know you are "in love" when you decide to love that person. Love is a decision. That may be a little difficult for a young teen to grasp, but I don't think young teens should be trying to fall in love, and if they are, it should not affect how often they date or how long they must wait to many.
If you are dating the right kind of person, and your parents and pastor promote the relationship, and you sense an obvious "chemistry" between you and your date (meaning you thoroughly enjoy and relate with each other's personality, and look forward to seeing and being with each other), and you communicate well to know that your feelings, goals and life's purposes are in agreement, it is safe to say you are "in love," or rather, you are ready to decide that you love each other.
Question: When will you know you are ready to get married?
Answer: You might be ready for marriage long before you should marry. The wise young couple does not begin serious dating until the time frame of their college careers and their finances allow them to consider getting serious. My advice would be to wait until you finish college before you many, though you may feel you are ready several years earlier.
Knowing "when you are ready" is not a feeling or an emotion. It is deciding when you should allow yourself to marry, and then scheduling your dating life accordingly.
Question: Should a couple break up when one or both is entering college? Answer: Not necessarily. As a general rule, I recommend that if you are attending college, and your boyfriend or girlfriend is still in high school, you should be open to the idea of dating at college. The only time I have suggested college students not to date at college is if they are engaged or about to be engaged.
My philosophy of dating is that high-school couples should not date much and definitely not seriously. But I don't believe it is mandatory to break up when one or both enter college unless one is trying to "capture" the other to prevent that one from making new friends.
Do not rush into a more serious stage of dating before college just to prevent your girl/boyfriend from being available at college.
Now, if you both attend different colleges, I would strongly advise you to break up and date at the college where you attend.
Question: What is a mistake that dating teenagers make when attending college?
Answer: Trying to get too serious too fast and not getting really involved in all of the college life first.
Question: Do you think "dating around" can give you a bad reputation?
Answer: It can, depending primarily on whom you date. Date the wrong person one time and you can get a bad reputation. Date five good teenagers, and you may have a fine reputation. My question would be, why are you dating around?
If I Could Be Your Parent If I could be your
parent, Teen,
Divorce has never solved
the faults
And little victims of
divorce
"I simply do not
understand
Commitment and tenacity
No, I would never
separate
If I could be your
father, Teen,
She'd be the queen of
our sweet home,
I'd work real hard to
earn enough
A bigger house we'd
never need
You'd take some trips
with Mom and Dad,
If I could be your
mother, Teen,
He speaks the truth, his
word is law,
If I could be your
parent, Teen,
Not once, you'd ever
hear me say,
No, I would take a
million more
Some funny faces, games
and chores,
I know we'd get along
just grand And someday when you
"fall in love,"
— Jack Schaap
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